A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.13.15

Recovering from last night, yes I cut. After I had gone home  I couldn't take anymore I took a pair of scissors and I went slowly to feel the blade, it gave me little nicks I told myself it wasn't enough. I wasn't as guilty as I was almost 2 years ago I wanted more of a cut after my grandma left the kitchen I took a knife and kept cutting I only wanted it in one general area where my watch would cover it. I cried maybe a good 5-10 mins after that I was wrapping presents to make it seemed like I was normal, I wasn't I was breaking Im I felt like I giving up. I told Jerome he was there and so was Anthony thanks to both I calmed down a lot faster. I went to see the Star wars movie the 6th and Jerome being a little cutie messages me the cutest things in the world I'm a lucky gal to be honest.  I woke up  at 10:40 am and waited until my mother had left the house. I didn't want to deal with anyone today so it had seem like I woke up around 11. I'm still in bed but starving, I think I could deal with it a little longer. Talking to Jerome once again I went to shower and at was already 12:30 pm when I got out popped some popcorn took a jug of the Starbucks Frappuccino and started typing on here. I've felt better since I got my shower and food its just the consent ups and downs are making myself tired as heck. I don't know whats been causing me to feel this way. I feel tired to do anything and I want to get A's but, it seems impossible to do. I feel like no one understands, what going on with me. 

Fake a smile here and there and ill get me though the day. I think it was when I was in 3rd grade. I was always by the baseball fence and not one person noticed me everyday I would be standing there kicking the dirt from the ground. The year before that was awful, plain awful. I was pushed around and fell almost everyday. My white pants became green or I would get scratches and bruises on my knees. I never told my mother what happened, until one day I came home and I sat down in the dining table. My mom had asked how was school and I didn't respond like I always did " It was okay ". I sat there in silence she got worried about me and I started to cry. She always asked why my pants where always green and my knees where always cut up with wood chips. All I said was " Its okay mommy I just fell" today it wasn't the case. I cried and said "I lied to you because I didn't want to see you hurt" I've been bullied by this boy that was a year older than me. I got green stains because he pushed me on to the grass and I always fell. I got scratched up because of the blacktop and the wood-chips because he would always push me down. She told me to tell the teacher and I did the next day and if he did that to me ever again he would get a detention. He had stayed back a year so we where in the same class and same teacher. I hated him more than anything else in the world. He always took my pencils and my school material I didn't care. I remember once day he pulled my back before I sat down, I fell humiliated I was everyone laughing at me but my best friend. She saw the pain I was going though and she would always stick up for me she grabbed my hand and pulled me up and smiled. I said thank you and I looked at my bully in disgust. I told myself I would get him back I would do something where he would see shame in himself. The next day he sat down and I tipped his desk and all this books tumbled right out and then i used the same trick on him he sat down and he fell plopped right on the floor. I had seen the fear in his face. A few months after he wanted to challenge me in a game of mercy where you intertwine each other's hand and you push forward and whoever said mercy lost. So yes, I did play against him and I actually won. He promised me he wouldn't bully me anymore and I was claimed the strongest girl in our class since everyone was afraid of him. That wasn't the end of my problems, I had this girl also a year older than me. Man I have too many words about her to even express about her. Mackenzie Leigh Morey, she was one crazy child and still is one today. She bullied me every chance she got. She didn't care she wanted to feel over powered and yet not one teacher cared. They all said I was a wonderful student. Not one person helped me to stop her. I told Tiana she told me to hang in there one more year and you won't see she for one whole year. She was right I didn't get to see her for 5th grade but she did bully me when I went to middle school and yet again high school. First day of high school was fine until the bus. She was a sophomore while I was a little freshman. She kept yelling sexual questions and to make me humiliated. I thought we were to grow up and not have this happen the bus driver didn't even say a thing I wanted to cry. My freshman year still and yet she was 2 people behind me and yet I was still her target. Pulled my hair got me mad anyway she could, she never stopped trying. It got to me, It was the winter of 2013-2014 where it happen I was so done with everything the bullying the exams everything was falling apart. I was so deep and upset I only drank a milk carton and maybe a piece a chocolate if I wanted any it was the February and I cut for the first time. My 2 friends knew and they told my guidance counselor and I had just cried tears after tears of confessing why I had did so. I was so broken I though I had died I was just in a body. I felt no emotion the only thing I wished was to just die on the spot. 

I wanna cry and thats all I can think of to do tonight. I feel like I'm a mess up. That I shouldn't be here in the first place. I have no means to stay alive there is no destiny for me to live to. Maybe it was a sign that I wasn't like any other asian kid, I'm not that all A's student. Everyone has a place in life but me. I've always confused of how I play a role in life. The expectations are too high for me to jump. I'm scared of taking the risk because I'm afraid to fall. I'm a nobody, I'm not worth a single thing. Jerome told me if I was to cut then so would he, he doesn't deserve to cut. I do, I don't want to be here. I feel like I'm already dying in the first place. Why can't the war be over? I want to finished with life. I don't see the point of living anymore. I'm finished. There is nothing left that this world can take away besides my body. I'm a goner, so long.