A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

1.18.16

Sighs, I am at work with my mother once again and before I got on here she's already complaining how I don't cook but yet when I cook she never eats it or I'm missing main ingredients therefore I can't cook anything. God she's just like a typical asian mother always complaining no wonder when I get it from. The funny this is that she complains about everything I do. Maybe she should do it herself if I never get it done right. I'm so annoyed, I kinda wanna be done. Periods don't even help much any ways I want to scream, shout and cry I hate everything. I wanna just be done I don't want homework, exams and anything else that bothers me. Like how much my body is killing me at this very second. Everything feels cold again my arms and legs just about everything beside my chest. My lower right hand back is just pins and needles. I really want to sleep, and cuddle with my bed and sleep until there until I don't feel this pain anymore. I've been pushing this essay back to much its due on Wednesday and I'm 1/10th of the way done ugh, I'm dreading this so bad and I have no idea why. I usually BS it and get a decent grade but the freedom that this essay gives me is awful. I rather do the research then to write this essay

Fucking hell. No one notices, no one does. I feel like no one cares anymore. I rather just leave everyone at this point. A have the smallest need to cut... I know I shouldn't, but whatever no one cares right? Everyone is an asshole anyway. If my body gives out I'd be fine with it. I'm done trying. I'm done pretending. I'm done being "perfect". I am finished. 

Tired burt out thats what I am just about now. I'm breaking, my body is tearing me apart. Every piece of who I am or what I am is vanishing. Who am i? what happen to me? What is still left? I don't remember who I am anymore I don't know what is even left of happy me. Is this just a change in me or am i going to be stuck in this mindset for the rest of my life, confused and not  knowing what to do or am I going to continue being something I believed myself in and live my life how I originally wanted. Breaking apart is what I am broken pieces who I think I am because I wont except who I am now. That i can't expect that I'm what I see in the mirror although I see myself but internally a monster, a failure a disappointment. I see a disappointment. Thats what I am. A BIG FAT DISAPPOINTMENT. I know that, I know that way too well, being something that another person wished they weren't attached to. They wished I could disappear to be nothing but thin air. Maybe I could just do that, to disappear. No one would care, no one would want me to stay I'm just a monster wasting space. That all I'm going to be thats all I will be. Why does this mindset happen to take over me to destroy my every happy thought. Where food taste disgusting, where music is a bunch of noise and people are things that judge me till i give up completely. Where shivers live in my veins and my heart burns to the touch.