A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

7.23.19

hello, I'm not sure if anyone reads these anymore. I know its been a few years, a lot has changed since 16' as it should. I never realized how deep of a hole I was in until I read a few of my first entries. I knew how "sad" I was and there was many young and childish thing I wrote, romance and things that truly bother me but, some of those things still haunt me till today. I write today on my Wattpad because I have been trying to open myself even more than I ever have. As scary as it is seem its necessary now more than ever. I want to prove to myself that even though I am scared constantly, I need to pull these big girl pants up and face these fears that run though my mind. I still wish I didn't have these demons that haunt me every second of everyday. Although my life isn't and will never be perfect I am still grateful for what I have accompished. 

The first thing that I am fearful about: 

I am afraid of hitting rock bottom, I mean that as an emotion aspect. I have been so "low" for such a long time and for the past 8 months to the exact date I have been working on myself bit by bit. Which seems great but, I have stumbled on the fact that I have to accept that I am in utter fear of not being good enough. That I have a constant need to have someone validate me that I am beautiful and if I don't get this validation I feel so worthless, nothing. a piece of nothingness in this universe. As much as I try to think or at least think other wise it doesn't mean the same. I wish I didn't need someone to tell me that, but its the truth. I feel as if I am not meeting the standards of an 19 year old college student. Yes, I am VERY self-conscious of my looks and how the outside world views me. I understand that I don't need to please the world but, I feel like I am being judge every moment of my existance. I want to be able to please everyone but, that is impossible. I want to be able to make everyone I love and care about feel amazing but, that would ultimately erase everything that would make who I am person to a bland and boring person. 

So today my mind is screaming for help, and hopefully an answer will come soon. Hopefully sooner than I hope.