A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.22.15

It's 2-3 days away from Christmas. Last full day of school and I feel like complete poop. Everyone is so happy and joyful it saddens me quite a bit. A reminder of how happy I used to be during the holiday. Now it's like why do I want the holiday to even come? Families are together and cheers around everyone. I feel excluded once more. I know my family loves me but I feel oblivious to it sometimes. I want the day to be over. I got on the bus felt a little inspired to write something to Jerome and I did. I felt a little happy and the weather had gotten to me. Depressed, lonely and yet I want to just to disappear once more. I feel like I've done nothing but bad, my confidence levels just have been worse then before. I feel a change in me like I'm hiding, even to Jerome and everyone who has and is caring for me. I feel upset about the person I have become. I feel guilty, I was a mistake and thats how my father has seen that about me just a mistake thats all I've ever been or always thought to be. I simply am hurt. Yeah I admit it, hurt torn apart and still alive letting my heartbeat beat but, I can't do anything to help relieve the pain thats been making me killing me for so long. I'm only staying for small number of people and if they didn't care I'd be long gone. No one would remember my name no one would think of who I am. I disappeared, I'm nothing to some people already so I'm hanging on but, I want to let go so badly to lose the fight thats been created 10 years ago. 

Jerome-

I love you more than anything else in the world. I wouldn't trade you for the most expensive thing a girl could want because you are what I want. You're all I need to put a smile on my face. A day that I could just come home to you and see you is a day to be happy. You are perfect, all of you every single cell to every atom that makes up you. I don't see anyone in my life but you. I want to see a future with you happy, living life to the fullest because thats how life should be.