A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.26.15

Finally starting to be a bit happier. I've gotten a lot happier since I've been off of school for the past 3 days or so. I think I'm coming back to my old self, happy like I've always been. Smiling and realizing how good life is, its just the clouds of my mind have been covering things up. Sitting in the sun smiling I'm grateful, I'm happy and I don't feel like complete crap. I think my mother is still trying to figure out how I am and I'm okay with that. I know she trying to be around me more and I'm a little happier because of it, it is a big change since I've always been alone and especially in the dark. I'm grateful for the people who are around me I mean they have made me who I am today they either make me happy, sad, angry etc... I'm still thankful. I'm really thankful for the T's, Tiana and TY'anna. I honestly don't think I'd last high school this long without their help or support.

To: Jerome

I'm grateful to be able meet you almost a month ago. (28th) I'm glad we stuck to each other for the past month. You got me out some rough times and I'm glad you where there to help me. I'm happy I got to spend Christmas with you and see you open your presents and a crap load of chocolate. I got to smile and look at you being ever so happy. I love you Jerome more than anything else in the world. You're the king that rules my heart, you make me smile when things get rough. You're there when only a few are with me for a harsh rollercoaster. You give joy to my heart hence why I'm so excited to call you everyday. I can't go a day without you Jerome. I run home from school to be able to call you on Skype. Last night we were on Skype for 14 hours 22 mins and 22 secs and you watching me sleep since I completely just passed out on you. I had so much fun last night being with you and smiling I couldn't be any happier. I'm a lucky girl to be able to spend so much time with you and mean so much to you. I love you Jerome 

   My night has been going fairly well but there are my downers. I have my best friend over and I'm talking to Jerome. The only thing is that sadness is lingering my mind. I stop to think for a little and my stomach began to refuse food and I feel like shitty shitnits. I slowly want to cry and sleep everything off but it is only 8:50 like it is way to early to sleep. I feel like I'm alone when there is so many people around me. I feel like I'm disappearing once more and I can't help but feel. I know no one can see my emotion and I know I can't get help if I don't say anything about it  its just hard. Its hard to explain any type of emotion I feel because it is in great depth. I get shivers when I get upset like it craws up my arms and up my spine I feel like I've been outside with the snow for hours on end with nothing protecting me. I feel like crying for nothing but mistakes. Like I could have changed how things could be, to be a bit happier. Thats life so whatever I can't be god and change anything I wish to change. I started to sniff here and there and Jerome and Tiana started to notice the sadness but knowing them doing something little changed my mood fairly quick. Thats why I love them so much. Being there when only a few signs are present. I remember when I was saving lives, helping others staying up to release stress. I remember being that person now it has become the other way. I guess I now know both sides. Damn, I hate my mood change. Sad to happy like it changes so rapidly like goes to another.