A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

1.07.16

It's been such a long day and it feels like it's going even slower by the minute. I nearly cried second channel. I had no idea why. I guess being the outcast makes you be like that. I really want to create my own little world. Where I can be important. Where I matter. School is so rough, sitting alone and being alone so much kills you. The worst thing is that the people you know just look at you. They don't do a single thing. I hate being me. All I wanted was to fit in to be happy to be one with the others. I guess that is what makes me so different. I care about so many people but it seems like where is only one or two people who are one ones who actually been there for me. I need to go to a therapist I just feel like it won't work. I feel like I'm going to push all the people who care about me away because I'm so hurt. That I'm not going to be normal anymore. That no one understands how I feel. Just in the middle of the day I want to shed tears but I don't because everyone would judge me. I hate being put down. I hate being tormented and all I want to do is run away. Everyone seems perfectly stable and I'm over here in the corner just dying to let tears roll off my face. I want to hide from my own self because of all the disappointments I've created on myself. How I get so easily sidetracked on homework or even class work I feel like everyone is disappointed at me. That my work isn't the best of my abilities. That I was better than I am now. I feel worthless. I can't fight how I feel. I want to give up on being happy. Everything is just crashing down on me. The pressure of being better for myself is driving me insane. It's like I'm choking and no one is helping me. I feel like I'm gonna run out of air.