A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.09.15

I woke up just done with life. In such sense I wanted to never wake up again and that didn't happen. I wanted to just cry. Not for any reason it just felt like one of those days where I can't take it anymore. I want to just give up on everything . I just wanted to be left alone. I want to disappear no one seems to care in the first place. I'm not wanted. I never was. Being harassed 24/7  my your parents, Ugh please just let it just end. I can't stand my mental state it makes me want to blow up my brain and I won't I have to worry about anything.

I'm in chemistry now. I'm should be reading but, I find this more important. I'm not letting things bottled up as much anymore and I feel a tad bit relived. Thank god the day is half way over. Anyways I have last lunch so I get to eat last out of all the lunch waves at this school. I want to pass out starvation isn't the best for me. I mean starvation isn't good at all but, I get vicious. Ugh I feel like I turn into a monster for food. Well I think it's almost time to get some food for my stomach. It looks as everyone is packing up to leave. I should go get ready to leave. I'm here in the cafeteria. With all these people. I hate how much I'm alone sometimes. I wished people cared enough to let me join them or sit with me sometimes. People say oh NFA is amazing the diversity is amazing. I guess that's true but, could you really say that if  everyone sits with their grade and their clicks. I can't wait to just leave. It's like a I'm stuck and I have no way to get out. Luckily I have one and a half more years until I get out and at that point I'll be stuck at home. What I really can't wait is still I can start working having a family really being at home. Most people don't know the difference between "house" and "home". A "house" is somewhere you just live at. A "home" is where you feel safe. Where you feel happiest. Where you just can let everything go.

I just finished my lunch. Never realized how hungry I was. I'm in front of my choir room waiting for next class to start and jamming to some Hey Monday (their not a band anymore) and listening to Wish you were here. I kinda personally connect to the song itself. To the point there I just miss that special person. Sometimes I don't realize if they miss me back.

I'm home at last. Choir was amazing today. I actually had fun in that class. I got to sing an extreme high part. The first time I felt proud of myself for such a long time. Ah shit, My ex... Thank you Kevin for breaking me once again with your stupid snapchat stories. You are my weakness, you're the bullet to shatter my heart. You don't what it feels to just struggle getting someone off of their mind and cry for a straight week. You don't know the emotions that I feel, well no one doesn't. I honestly should stop loving people in general. I'm too scared, I feel like I keep running into people, falling for them and so on and so forth. I don't find it worth it anymore. I find that I should give up on love at this point. I'm sorry...

I can't do this anymore I can't live the life I'm going at I'm personally not happy. I wanna be happy I tell everyone to be happy but, I don't see happiness anymore I want to be gone. It would help so much to not be here. My mother wouldn't be working so hard for my college and wouldn't have to be so guilty about me anymore. Friends ended disappearing also there more or less fake. They don't know me anymore. They don't know the real me. The me that wants to die every night or the who just can't take it anymore. So much is bottling up I can't live my life the way I want to anymore. So much sadness so much depression it all hurts and it's eating me inside. I want to say Goodnight and maybe there isn't another part tomorrow </3