A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

1.23.16

Agitated lately, I've been so bitchy to Jerome lately and he hasn't done anything wrong. I guess I cling to him to much. I feel like he's gonna lose interest in me. I feel like he's gonna find someone better. I know he can, and it would be way to easy. A sweet loving man who wouldn't? Laying in bed just ready for tears to roll down my face. Jerome said he'd be therefore me. I know he is I feel like wouldn't be the best person to talk to at the moment but that's why I'm mentally sealing it in. I'm crying tonight. I'm crying again once more. I'm tired of being this. I don't understand what Jerome sees in me I'm a dirt bag a wasted human organism. But I guess he loves the dirt bag I am   Well good night and good morning </3

Jerome is about to call me and I have this feeling of sickness. I really want to puke etc. I've been feeling down lately and only thing that's been keeping my spirt up is gaming. I've been on my mom's boyfriend's PS4 all day and I actually really like it. I really want one at this point. I feel sick, I feel like I'm internally dying I just want to be warm and happy. Always rejected, always being said no to. I wanted to just cuddle with my dog she ran away I wanted to call oh I'm kinda busy but it's always the wrong time and at the wrong place people try to call me. I guess that's how the world works. <\3

This night is unbearable. I want to cut so badly for the past few days. I think about it so much but I know I still have to stay strong before I reach for that blade. It's like it isn't even working. I've been having these random burst of sessions of tears just rolling down my face. I feel like I'm completely am failing. Once I'm alone I feel like the darkness absorbs me killing me once more.