A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.28.15

Why must everything hurts so much. Every little thought kills your heart and soul. It makes me want to cry. Cry harder and harder still I suffocate. Crying to the point where I feel like drowning. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I don't want anyone to worry about my mental state. I've been fighting so hard with my own mind and I feel like it's time to just give up. It's the only thing left I can do. I want to be happy but I don't have enough strength to do so. I hate my body, my mind my everything. I hate everything about me. I'm not what I want to be. This depression is killing the insides of me. Where I want to puke, cry and never want face the world. I want to hide my face in shame and run.

Oh fuck. I feel so sick, my stomach wants to puke. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to completely not trust someone but, I feel like shutting people out again. The only think I'm best at. I wanna trap all the feeling in my heart and leave it to explode again. I feel like my arms are freezing and they are cold to the touch. I don't want to be hurt by the person I love so much. Maybe sadness is my only friend I just need to learn and play with the friend that's been knocking on my door. Let the tears roll down my face. Let the darkness fill my heart.

I hate how broken I am. I hate fucking everything. My heart hurts and my head is making me insane. I can't stand myself I wanna dig a grave and die. I was better off gone years ago when no one cared. When no one knew what's up with me. I should have been gone. Ugh why can't I be over? Pain is running through my veins of my body the bright red blood turning black. Where I fade to the dark where I was never to be seen or to be herd of. Be gone is what I shall do be gone.

I feel nothing more than puking in a toilet. I hate being sick my stomach isn't liking anything. Jerome thinks I don't trust him anymore but reality I'm shutting him out. I know I'm crying a whole lot tonight. I'm most likely gonna be off my computer so I don't even go on skype or even try to. Jerome says he love me. I've just been second guessing it today. I hate how much pain I'm causing him to have. I hate that he's upset. I hate that I'm broken.

I hate that I lost trust with the person I really care about. I do still love him. He still mean a lot but not the world. I know he could do better than me. I know he can. He's a good guy, but he deserves so much more. More than I could ever give. He should be happy as happy anything else in the world. I don't deserve to be happy with him. He meant to be a king.