A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.18.15

I can't do it. I woke up to another day I don't want to deal with. It seems like it's too much to handle. Yesterday wasn't all that much better anyway. Tears just drop down on to my sweatpants causing a puddle of wetness. Tear by tear they fell and I couldn't stop. Hopeless, guilty and not meant to be here. I couldn't stop thinking my attention span is even smaller than a goldfish at that point. I did eat a little flour cake last night but I forced myself to eat. Mom and grandma said go eat some rice and vegetables I knew I couldn't eat it. It would be too filling therefore I would end up puking and it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I didn't eat this morning either I know I should but, I didn't. Lunch came by and ate a little eventually I went home. I wanted to eat but, everything seemed to be too filling and I once again knew I couldn't eat. I saw a box that you could make your soft salt pretzel only problem was that I didn't have baking soda so then I called up my mother to ask her I could use it. She said yes and I called her boyfriend asking him to run out and buy baking soda luckily he did. He talked to me on the phone telling me that he cares about me and etc... Its nice to have a reassurance thats not blood related and not your friends. We talked and it was a good conversation. While I was talking to him I was baking and it got my mind off of something. Since I haven't really eaten anything for the past few days I lost quite bit of weight. I went from 139 lbs on Tuesday to 125 lbs today Friday thats like 2-3 days thats like 14 pounds in that short amount of time. I know it isn't good because thats about 5 pounds I'm losing a day. I wish I could keep my weight controlled. Hopefully it'll just stay at 125 it has been my goal since forever. I highly doubt it though ill keep it stable