A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.31.15

I woke up to my grandmother calling me to turn off the oven since my mother had made chicken. I ended up feeling gross it was like 9:30 in the morning Jerome was still dead asleep and Tyanna was also dead as well so I decided to take a shower. I took one and laid in bed waiting got Jerome to get up. Tyanna has been sick so we both got up and went to eat something. I made her some Vietnamese soup called Chao it's a rice soup that is a cure to flu or common cold. I also made her ginger and honey drink the ginger is to reduce the sore throat. I felt like a mother for once, I kinda miss the feeling since I always treat my sister and brother like my own kids but you know whatever. Thinking of the future is a joy but also so scary. I may hate my mother but yet love her I'm scared of leaving her. She kinda has no one but me and I don't want her to be lone with nobody just because I know that feeling. I never wanna be alone I don't want people in my life to leave me. I just don't know what the future holds for me. I wanna make everyone happy but I know thats nearly impossible I can't do it and I know that. It would break me tear me apart and destroy who I am since so many people would want to change me of who I am. Well sadness took over me I honesty feel complete shit. I don't want to be here I'm only trying but I feel like its nothing. All I feel is pressure and all I can do is give sighs go through the day like I'm okay. I smile and say nothing is wrong I act all cheerful to see others to smile but reality I'm hurt and i have no way of fixing myself its like a rip in my hear is growing so big it's actually breaking me as a human being. I hate feeling broken I hate it so much but people don't understand why I'm going through it because its unpredictable.

Jerome: I don't know how to express my love for you. You're amazing, you make me smile when things get hard for me. You're there holding my hand when things get too rough and all I want to do turn around and runway my problems. You're able to control my emotions just typing to me or the little gestures you do to make this little girl smile. I'm just that little 16 year old that fell for my perfect 19 year old Jerome, I fell for you and I was rightful to. You got my world spinning round and round and not a moment I spend with you I would trade for the world. I love you <3

God damn it. I hate that a little thing can ruin my night. I hate how much I care. I hate it more than anything else. I hate that every time I'm upset all I want to do is puke my guts out and leave my body to decease. I hate everyone, I knew I was better off dead right? Great way to end the year. Upset and wanting to die. I hate myself for being myself. I hate me more than anything in the planet. I want to just shove a knife in my stomach and let myself bleed and yet I thought there was a future. I thought I could have a happy ending. I thought I could have a husband and 2 little ones. That I could be watching my little ones grow up to be good people and start a family. To have kids them myself and be happy. I feel like everything is fucking lie that everything is just a joke that everyone wants to play with my emotions. I'm fucking done like let me die in a hole thank you and bye bye