A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

My confession to my best friend 12.13.15

Tonight I'm laying in bed and I looked at my phone Tiana had messaged me. Tiana has been my best friend since I was 4 or so. That's like 12 years of friendship you see there. She's been there for a lot and she knows me more than my own self at times. She knows what I like and the set of mind I have. The only thing is that she doesn't know my other side. Everyone has sides that they have hide around other people. I hid my depression side with her. I've told her some but, not all I've been through. I know that you should always tell your best friend and they will most likely help you. I wasn't able to tell her anything. Not that I didn't trust her it was the fact I was scared of her judgement on me. That I wasn't as strong minded as the rest of our friends. I cry when the sun sets and the moon arises. I cry about the tiniest thought about my father I cry about the mistakes I've made and seen the fails I've made. She texted a whole paragraph and I started crying once more that I was a role model to her since I was go out going. She was the only reason why I had friends in the first place and yet she tells me I made "friends" on the field hockey team. I have but, are they truly friends or are they just alliances you made for just a sport? I'm sorry I wasn't as truthful to you Tiana to find out the hole in my heart that I covered up through out the years. From every school wide dance to every moment I stopped talking to you of all of a sudden. It was my mental state that had gotten away and controlled me like a robot. I don't know if you ever noticed from the Halloween party back in 4 grade till homecoming of this year every single party I've ever want to I always had some type of mental breakdown small or big. I always had one. Depression over threw me and I ran away from you and Tyanna at homecoming and I'd randomly come back dancing with you guys once more. I knew you guys would think its Kevin I gave him as a parcel excuse for being sad. It was that depression that had gone me down I always asked why is so many people so happy and why couldn't I be the same way. I love how people think I'm so joyful so energetic and etc... I guess I'm a good faker that it has become second nature. Anyways Tiana this is towards you especially because you would remember this the most. Remember last year we went to New York for your birthday? We went through the subways and I told you I got really sick. You padded my back and said it was okay where almost out of here soon. I looked at you and smiled. I got sick because I was extremely tempted to fall over the side tracks and take my life and the only god damn reason why I still alive was because I didn't want my best friend in the entire world to see me crushed by and subway and suffer a loss of a friend. I stopped because of you. I hate subways the gloomiest and the echoes I find it scary. I read a stupid paper that said there are this many people a year that walk in front of a sub and died and that what triggered it. I was stuck up to the board and I held your arm because I was afraid of falling. I kept looking at you for the rest of the day because I don't know what I would do without you. I slept on your shoulder because you make me feel safe on the train and you know I hate those too. You're the best friend I can never lose you're my priority without you I'd be lost and confused 10x more than I am now. I love you too Tiana I don't know what would do without you. <3 -CC