A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.14.15

Today was awful wait no, whats another for awful? Well you can tell how this is end already. I went to sleep around 2 in the morning, slept, woke up it was 7:20 in the morning. It felt like I just closed my eyes.I went to dress up and go to school. I got out of the car and here I am on campus. I nearly ran. I wanted to tell my mom I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to school. I only got 4 hours of sleep and I'm still semi depressed. I feel like I'm slowly giving up. I'm just tired, while I walking/fast paced walking I was thinking about how many days I've been alive. Since me being the nerd I am I calculated how many days I've been alive for 5,886 days or 840 weeks and 6 days. The day went by okay. On and off of being sad I managed to hold it in there. I get off of bus I walked to my house. I looked at the two windows to my house and I saw an allusion. I thought to myself no one is home I'll be alright. I walked up the staircase I felt a hug lost of breath. I was looking around like if I was a ninja, you know peeping through the corner of a door. Yeah well that was me. I started to have uneasiness and I started to feel as someone was to pull me in and stab me in the stomach and suffocate me. I started to pray knowing it would calm me down just enough to think clearly. I sat down ate a bowl of pho and I said I was alright. I went to my room at last my little home. I remembered ah yes it is Monday my least favorite of the week. I have dance tonight and I haven't been at dance for nearly 3 weeks. Last week I had my mandatory school Winter Concert and the week before that I had my Field Hockey banquet. So I haven't been dancing at all this month. It's sad to say I dance with the younger kids just because there isn't a group my age oh well. Only a week and a half until I can just lay in bed and just relax and then there is work but lets not say anything about that just yet. I've been up for 12 hours already and yet I'm just about to pass out. I can't tonight, I have all this homework that needs to be done but yet I'm not finished. Dance then history homework, dance then history homework. Ugh I wanna pass out so badly but, I know keep on moving. I came back from dance and very yet energized but very very tired. All I can say to myself "lets keep swimming" 

Understanding is key. 

I don't understand some parents sometimes. This goes my mother as well honestly. I told my mom I cut ONCE like I said almost flipped my whole house like she got that angry at me. I know some parents are very closed minded people. I think its just there uneducated about that subject at this why the reject it. Parents wants us to be happy and healthy like other people but sometimes things get in the way. Bullies, school, our own mental state of mind. It's not that we are weak and it happens to seek in to our life. We never wished it a pond ourself to want to die, to cut to anything all we wish is happiness like another person.  Its hard not to think about the sadness its hard not to look at a gloomy day and say today is another struggle each day is another war to fight against. Everytime a little thought runs across its like another war to break out it's the last straw you take from a person.