A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.16.15

My mother told me she loves me when I got out of the car. I wanted to cry but, I tried to hold it in. It didn't take to long until tears started to form. I don't wanna deal with school. I don't want to do it at all quite honestly. Not because of teachers or other students. Just because I'm sitting in a classroom with other people. I feel like I'm being tormented once again. I don't like attention I absolutely hate it with a passion. I didn't eat last night and I didn't eat this morning. I knew it was going to be a long day, I had last lunch once again. I sat alone, ate and left. I went back to choir sat in front of the door the rest of lunch doing nothing but listening to music. It was last class to I got to go home after. Home sweet, thank god for it. Periods are so rough, I mean almost every girl can relate. Their like so painful and just the mood flexes so much its like "yay rainbows and unicorns to I'm kill you and rip you heart out" type of thing. That's basically how I am.

Jerome-

I love you, I can't say it enough, you're the light that I needed to get through the dark tunnel. You're always there supporting, helping me get stronger day by day. I never want to leave your side I wanna be your partner as long as I can. You mean the world to me. Very sun rise and sun set you're here keeping me alive from the first day I met you. You've been helping me with my depression, you've calmed me down when no one else could. I wanna just run up to you and jump in to your arms. I wanna just wake up to you because you're the sunshine to my morning. I don't want anyone else but you. I can't see myself working without you. I love you I really do I mean it every time I say it to. <3
Tonight... I kinda feel awful again. I'm at the mall in a chair and all I can think about is the past. I just want to burst in to tears. I feel like I'm basically a loser. I have no friends, I'm just a girl on the computer stuck in her room 24/7. My grandmother is even to begin to worrying about me not eating anymore. I just don't feel hungry that's all. Ugh, this holiday season is starting to bug me. So many couples so much love is in the air I think it might start choking. If Jerome was here I wouldn't be complaining at all I'd be cuddling up to him all the time and just be happy. That's not the case so... I'm just going to be the little loser I am and continue life how it is. I wish I knew what it feels like to be happy. To be smiling awake and asleep. I know what I'm doing to night and it's to cry to sleep. That's all I can really do, I feel like everything is once again crashing on me. I feel like I can't breath once more. I want to talk to Jerome but I know he's asleep. Without him I feel like I'm fighting alone with no protection. I wish I could sleep and never wake up. No more pain, but the only loss on that is that I can't have Jerome. I won't be able to have him next to me keeping me warm and content. I won't be able to spend my the rest of life with him and that is a big risk.