A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.12.15

It's the weekend finally, and I don't have to wake up so early for school. I am at work though, it was so busy this morning like boom
boom boom person after another. It's driving me insane since I'm never here since the pace is going so quick. Thank god my mother is the boss. She lets me stay home when she finds that I really need to just sleep and recoup from school and everything else. My mother she's a Nail Technician, so yes I get my nails done. Fancy huh? The only thing is that someone has to have free time to do me. That's the struggle for the most part about getting your nails done for free. I got my little doggy her Christmas present there little squeaky tennis balls since she snatches my actual ones from my room. I used to some what play tennis. As a little girl, I went to like camp to play but, I'm terrible at it now. No sense of playing anymore right? I feel like I should cry for some reason. A part of me says that I should and the other says that I should be strong and hold it in. I hate to admit that I cried at least once a week it used to be every night before bed. It used to be a routine for me to be able to go to sleep. Now I Skype or FaceTime to help stop that but, even that I would still end up crying. It's like all my weakness gather up and break down my barriers and destroy every I have worked for. I've been so happy for a few days and all it wants to do is break me. Break the happiness and let me suffer the things I shouldn't be suffering about. I know that I realize what my body is doing but it's like an addiction of  pain. It's an addiction that I don't want but, it happens and I think is because of my dad.

Yep I know for a fact I'm crying tonight. I don't want to breath another single moment here. Being in this society has just gotten worse and worse by the minute. Now the expectations of doing good on my SAT, college and paying student loans makes me feel like I'm sunken underwater and no where to be found. I know that's not even part of being an adult but, I feel like giving up already. I feel like I'm failing at life. Like every choice I take is wrong. I can't stand my love life I can't stand life it self. I'm broken I'm nothing but particles of stardust. I'm ready to leave this place I'm not wanted here in the first place. I don't understand why people want me hurt. I'm weak as it is, and yet everyone is pulling me down tearing me apart wanting me to suffocate.

I'm dying, I can't take anything anymore. This isn't worth the wild. I'm can't do life. Everyone should be happy and I shouldn't, I should be gone. I'm dying inside and out there is nothing that could help me at this point. I feel like puking and the need to cut. I've almost gone 2 years without and that was my first time. Goodbye <\3