A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

1.15.16

I've thought I been okay, maybe it's an illusion. I thought I was getting better, honestly. I feel like nothing but pretending to be who people think of me. I feel scared I just don't know of what. I want to shed tears, say I'm okay but am I? How can someone fix me if I can't even fix myself, I feel like ripping myself apart of all honestly. All I really just want to know what is causing me to be this way. I don't understand whats so wrong with me. You say I'm not, but really. I can't bare myself anymore. I want to hide, run away. I want to leave my mental problems. People say they care but do they really? I hear it all the time quite honestly, "I'll be there when you need me" or "text me if you want to talk" I'm so sick of lies and how no one cares. How oblivious do you want me to be? Write a sign? Make a song? My heart is crushed beyond repairable. I'm nothing but dirt that is that has no nutrition to be able to substance life of a plant. Yeah nerdy right? Well thats just me. I don't like the fact that I wonder too much or think beyond most people. I don't like it sometimes. Why can't I accept myself of this is who I am now. Why does this have to be the way I ended up to be? I can learn to love anyone but me. I'm so open minded towards for others but what about me? Why can't I love myself like I love my friends my family the people I care so deeply about. Why can't I smile and feel who I was months ago. Why a dramatic change? Why do I have to think like this? Why do I kill myself at night with thoughts? Why does these things have to be so violent? 

Is it bad that I'm confused? Err... I don't know what I want... I want to sleep but should I? I feel like shit like thats all I feel *tears fall down my face*