A Million Miles And I'm Now Here

12.23.15

Today is an I don't know day. I'm happy and I'm sad I really don't know whats going on in my brain. At times I want to flat out cry and other times I'm laughing my butt off. I hate hiding things keeping them secrets but, I guess thats how life works. Everything is hidden and always kept secrets no wonder why we are guilty. I want to be happy thats what I really wish for Christmas, joy and laughter. I hate to say I eternally am a little hurt. I guess a secret thats been eating away but Jerome always wants to help me not be sad and I love that about him. I hate how I can't express something at all or how I feel. I just can't, like I just feel generally sad. I know he wants me to be better I feel like a pot hole and I feel sorry. I feel sorry for all the times I disappoint someone like Jerome, mom, dad, grandma and friends. I feel like a sore loser and I feel worthless. I shouldn't be here most of the time since I always feel like crap. School is over and I have more time to be home and at the shop hurray for me, yeah no. This is going to be one long ass vacation. 

Jerome deserves so much better than what I could offer. I hate it. I hate the thought of losing him I hate the thought he could do better. I feel sick, not really sick sick. But I know he could do so much better than what I could give. I hate how if I'm just slightly upset I just sleep away my problems like there going to go away. Well that a stupid lie, I hate that I care too much. I hate it, really I just want to cry and not have anyone know. I hate that people now know I have some depression but, it seems so normal everyone leaves me alone about it. I know I'm not the same, not as before. I'm not that cheerful girl I used to be, but a sad lonely girl thats about to just starve herself again. Tears is something that I need once more but can't find a way to form. Sadness overrides me to be who I am not anymore. I'm sorry. I hate seeing Jerome upset but I feel like I cause so much more pain. I really want to cut for some reason it feels so right but it's so wrong. I know it will hurt also it would make me cry and its something I don't to start winter break with. I hate that I'm staving myself again, I guess I just wanted slowly die like how I see my own father and Its like daggers that stab my heart. Pain is all I can't think of I made my little lucky stars to keep me busy its just I feel like I can fill my small mason jar with tears than stars. I wish I didn't have this problem with depression. I wish I wasn't stuck in a whole. I wish these things didn't effect me in such a large scale.