Story of us » m.e

3.7 | dear lia

Lia•
Dear Lia ,
It's been a week since you've left me. I'm beginning to feel like I'm Quentin and you're Margo. You left me , I'm searching for you , and you don't want to be found. When or if I find you , would you leave me like she did to him? Would you be with another boy , smiling and laughing. Will you love him more than you ever loved me? Will you be aware that I'll be crying while you sleep next to him? Our love is a broken one , but it's love. You seem to always run away from me , but I find you. I always do.. That's because my life is nothing without you.
Sincerely , your lost boy.

Dear Lia , where the hell are you? Boston's not that big and I've been here for a month. I half expected a phone call from you but that never happened. Hayes misses you , not as much as me , but he still misses you. You seem to be gone but I will find you and if I don't , I'll search until my last breath. You're a mystery , Lia Valentine. You drive me insane , but I love you.
Sincerely , your lonely boy.

Dear Lia,
I'm sorry , I've betrayed you. I've began taking drugs and drinking just like you always warned me not to do. I've tried everything to get you off my mind and it won't work. Last night , I drank in hopes of forgetting your name but u ended up forgetting mine first. It's only been a month and twelve days but it feels like hell. I got a dealer , Sean. You'd be ashamed of me.
Sincerely , your drugged boy.

Dear Lia ,
I hope that one day you realize what you could've had with me and you scream your lungs dry. How could you leave me? I've been a wreck without you and you're probably perfectly fine without me. All of my sadness has been replaced with anger , towards me and towards you. I've thrown everything in my room , broken glass is everywhere. These love notes are not just love notes anymore , it's for when I die. It will be soon , I have a gun with a sticky note on it in my bathroom. I want you to know , I love you and I'll write you until my dying breath.

Dear Lia ,
It's been a while. You've been gone 4 months. You never know the last time you'll see a place or a person. I never thought I would've lost you. When I was coming back to that hotel I was ready to cover your face with kisses and tell you I was okay. I never though the last time I would see you would be in my hospital bed. I also never though you would leave so abruptly. I miss your smile and I miss your kisses. I often listen to your music , the song you wrote about me and smile but then I cry when I remember you aren't mine anymore. I could've stopped you, I could've chased that damn train down until it stopped for me. I could've brought you back , but you don't want to be with me.
Sincerely , your sad boy.

Dear Lia ,
it's been five lonely months without your touch. My addiction has gotten stronger and so has my want for death. I've became numb , the only feeling in my body is the pang in my heart as I think of you. Ive decided that you don't want to be with me. It hurts but it's true. That thought is stuck In my head and it keeps me up every night. I never sleep anymore , but when I do I wake up to nightmares of you in danger. I'm tired but I can't seem to close my eyes. It's as if your inside of my head , demanding my eyes to stay open. I have no clue where the hell you are and that scares the shit out of me. You could be any where. You could be in another boys arms , alone on a bus, engaged to some dick wad , and even dead. I just want you back and until I get you back , I will not sleep.
Sincerely , your tired boy.

Dear Lia ,
It's been six months since your disappearance. Todays my planned death and you've yet to arrive. Hayes swears he saw a girl that looked exactly like you , but with red hair. Was that you? Anyways , I'm unstable knowing that today will be the day I die. Sean's coming over in a few minutes but I don't want him to. I don't care though , I should say my goodbyes to him. He may be my dealer but he's a pretty chill dude. I love you , Lia. You kept me happy for so long and I hope that you have the life you planned out , just not with me. I hope you still have 3 kids and a nice house in Chino hills with 2 dogs. I hope that whatever man replaces me treats you right and makes you smile. I hope you take my death okay. It's not your fault and I'm sorry if you assume it is. Goodbye , Lia Valentine. I love you with all my heart.
Sincerely , your dead boy.

Tears flowed out of my eyes like rain as I read about what I had caused to an amazing person. I had hurt someone so much they considered death, I would've been responsible.

Dear Lia ,
I saw you today , it was hard. You were with Sean which means , you were doing drugs. We fought and I was able to act tough , but the minute I closed the door; I let out a scream and I cried for hours. I went to the bathroom and held the gun to my head as planned but then something stopped me . I ran to your house and saw you were doing the exact same thing as I was just minutes before. That morning , I left. I was going to stay but then I saw a picture of you smiling next to two boys and a little girl. You seemed so happy and I didn't want to ruin that. I'm sorry I couldn't be their for you.
Sincerely , your alive boy.

The notes stopped there , quotes covering the rest of the pages along with drawings. Their were ones of me that were amazing.

I can't believe I was almost the cause for Matt's death. What have I done? I've ruined that boy who used to be so happy!

tears rolled down my face as I sat in the couch staring at a page of quotes in the book.

Some days , I feel everything at once. Other days , I feel nothing at all. I don't know what's worse : drowning beneath the waves. Or dying from the thirst.

I never knew you felt like this.

Do you ever sit and think what if? What if I had never said the first hello , or what If our paths never crossed? What if you had just five more minutes? What if you could turn back time and make it all stand still. Where would you be? Better? Worse? Less confused? More confused? Happier. Or sadder? Just what if...

I do , all the time.

All the nights we stayed up telling each other our dreams and fears. All the nights we kissed away the pain. All the nights I spent thinking you were the one. All of those nights , gone. Just like you.

I'm sorry.