Tainted

Kabanata 28

KABANATA 28 — Andrew's Date

Paano ko magagawang ibigay ang aking sarili sa isang tao kung ako mismo ay hindi ko kayang tanggapin ang sarili ko? Kung pakiramdam ko ay hindi pa ako buo? That was what I have been fixing for all the years I was away from my family, from the place I grew up, and from the man I learned to love. Ilang taong naging isang malaking problema ito na inuunti unti kong ayusin sa loob ng mga panahong iyon.

But now, I truly understand the meaning of being complete as a human, by heart and by soul. Sa loob ng maraming taon ay marami rin akong natutunan sa ibang tao at sa aking sarili. I have so many flaws. I feel like I was the most wretched being here on earth. I deprived myself for a good life because I thought that nothing would ever change the dreadful things that happened to me.

I learned that to be complete you have to accept those flaws and stop pitying yourself just because you feel like you were the unluckiest person alive. Nagkaroon ako ng tsansang magkaroon ng magandang buhay ngunit hindi ko iyon tinanggap. Marami pang ibang tao sa mundo na may mas malalaking problema, mas malalalim na sugat, at mas masasakit na pinagdaanan kaysa sa akin. And where are those people now? Well, they are all trying to cope up with life's cruelty. I've watched the news, I've read the newspapers, I've seen other people with my own eyes who had their own horrible experiences. It was not actually the same as mine but still, just like me, they experieced the brutality that life can give.

Sabi nga nila, walang ibabatong pagsubok ang Panginoon sa'yo na hindi mo kakayaning saluhin. All things happen for a reason. Siguro nga bata pa lang ay gusto na ng Panginoon na matuto akong maging matatag. Nais na niyang gawing malakas ang aking loob at iyong kakayanin kong protektahan ang aking sarili. I failed though. His mission for me didn't succeed because of my mistakes. Ako mismo ang naging dahilan ng pagbagsak ko at pagkasira ng buhay ko.

But I am trying to accept all of it. My mistakes, my imperfection, my wicknesses, and most of all, I am completely accepting what happened to me in the past. Ngayon ay babangon na ako at maglalakad pausad sa buhay na matagal nang naghihintay sa akin.

"Why don't you just open your own boutique, Zandra? Your dad already gave you the money. We will support you. Your kuya can give you his connections. Why enter to some fashion company if you could build your own?" sunod sunod na litanya ang narinig ko mula sa aking ina.

Pinaalam ko sa kanila ang aking plano. Dad told me that he would support me with what I want. He will allow me to do what I desire. Ngayon daw ay nasa akin na ang buong pagtitiwala niya. But mom won't approve. Nang mabanggit ko sa kanila na papasok ako sa isang fashion company rito sa New York ay hindi siya makapaniwala. She said that I am good at my field and I deserve something better. At iyon ay ang magtayo ng sarili kong fashion house.

"Ma, I know that I am good at what I do. I am confident," taas-noo kong sabi. "But I want the experience first. Ayokong papasok ako sa isang bagay na hindi ko pa alam ang pasikot-sikot. You know that this dream is all I've got when I was a... mess before," nanghina ang aking boses dahil nakita ko ang pamumungay ng mga mata ni mommy. She's really weak whenever we talk about my past.

Ilang segundo muna akong nanahimik. I am trying to find out the right words so she would understand me. Naghintay naman siya habang panay ang paggalaw ng labi. Dahil siguro may gusto siyang sabihin ngunit nagpipigil o talagang nanginginig na ang labi niya.

"Kaya nga I want to create my name, fix myself, little by little. Ayoko nang isang bagsakan lang. I am learning here, ma." Kahit ako ay hindi makapaniwala sa sariling mga salita.

When I saw her eyes widen in confusion and shock, I knew that the new Zandra is the one who's talking here. Hindi na 'yong mahina noon na hindi kayang tumayo sa sariling paa ngunit pinipilit na maging malakas para lang masabing matapang siya. I have long forgotten that Zandra. Iyong mapagpanggap na malakas at matapang. Now, I am really stronger and confident. I am not pretending anymore.