Tainted

Kabanata 35

KABANATA 35 — Small World

Sabay kaming naglalakad sa kalawakan ng isang parke. Napapakunot ang aking noo sa tuwing mapapadaanan ng tingin ang bawat kanto nito. Ang bawat sulok at gilid nito ay pamilyar sa akin. I feel... I know... I've been in this place before.

Dito ako dinala ni Andrew nang malaman niyang hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. I told him that I just want to get rid of stress. Ang hindi niya alam ay isa siya sa mga naging dahilan kung bakit nai-stress ako nang nagdaang gabi. I want to rest my mind but he's here beside me, messing it up again.

"I wanna say sorry for what happened," marahang usal ni Andrew.

Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Nanlulumo ang aking pakiramdam sa tuwing titingnan ko ang kanyang mukha. Para bang ang sakit sa dibdib. Parang mayroong pumupunit sa akin. I've been dying to see this face for a long time and now, I am looking at it again. I'm watching him again, personally, face to face. I thought I would be happy and contented once I see him agan. I am. But I didn't expect that it would hurt me too. Pwede palang maging isa ang lungkot at saya.

And every time I hear his sweet, loving voice, it only made my heart ache for more. Because I missed his soothing voice too. I missed everything about him.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. He's staring at me like he's waiting for any response but I gave him nothing. Hindi ko alam ang aking sasabihin. Shouldn't I be the one who's saying sorry?

"'Yong kagabi..."

Inalis ko ang aking mga mata sa kanyang mukha.

"I thought your brother wouldn't let me see you until you're ready. It was a very, very short notice. Hindi ko alam na pinapunta niya ako roon dahil naroon ka rin. I only knew when I saw you sitting there," he explained it like he's the one to blame with everything.

Kahit pa paliwanag para sa ibang dahilan ang tinutukoy niya ay parang ganoon pa rin. Parang siya ang may kasalanan. Parang siya ang may pagkukulang. Parang siya ang nang-iwan at biglang nagpakita ng basta basta na lang.

"Are you mad?"

Nahigit ko ang aking hininga. Napaatras siya nang biglaan akong bumaling sa kanya. My whole body was facing him now. I crossed my arms, my defense mechanism, and stared at him angrily even when I have no right to be mad.

"What are you saying, Andrew?" utas ko.

He closed his eyes slowly as if he was in an intense pain. Nang dumilat ay may pait sa kanyang mga mata. He managed to smile, though. I don't know if he's smiling because he is happy or he just wants to hide what he really feels behind it.

Either way, it didn't made me feel better at all.

"Ayoko lang na magalit ka sa akin..."

Pinutol ko siya. "Am I supposed to be mad?" Halos hininga na lang ang aking boses. Naiiyak ako pero kaya ko pa namang pigilan. "Ako ba ang dapat magalit dito? Y-you did nothing to me, Andrew," nauutal kong sambit at hinayaan kong ibuhos doon ang lahat ng sakit.

Bumuntong hininga siya. He didn't react or say anything about what I said. Inalis niya ang mga mata sa akin. Hinabol ko iyon ngunit mas iniwas lamang niya. Bumaling siya sa direksyon ng nilalakad namin kanina.

"Are you hungry? Kumain muna tayo," aniya.

"Andrew!" Marahas ang aking paghawak sa kanyang braso para lang mapalingon siya. Hindi ko iyon nagawa dahil sa tibay niya ngunit kusa naman siyang humarap sa akin.