Ashley’s POV
Waking up in the morning was something I usually hated. Only because when you wake up, you remember everything you’ve managed to forget while your asleep. Today was different. Unlike yesterday, the sun was shining brightly through the thin black curtains covering my windows. Curled up on the armchair in the corner of my room was Imogen, smiling slightly in her sleep, hugging her cast to her chest. Lying across the other end of my bed was Aleesha, snoring slightly. Scratching on his cage door, below the window was my rabbit Jimmy, he had been someone I could always trust.
He knew all my secrets, all my fears, all my pain. Today was a new day. It was as if a weight had been lifted off me, my best friend was coming with me, this baby was getting taken out. Thinking of the baby brought on the morning sickness and I bolted for the bathroom. Coming back a minute later, I scooped up Jimmy and sat down just soaking in his warmth and love. I hadn’t seen him in so long and today, I was leaving him again. One stupid salty tear slid down my cheek, dropping onto Jimmy’s nose. He stretched around and licked my cheek, making me ache to stay with him even more. Maybe I didn’t want to stay on tour. I sat silently in the dull sunlight for about half an hour before Imogen and Aleesha stirred and started getting ready to face the day.
Leaving my Jimmy behind was so hard, but I knew he couldn’t come because we stayed in hotels most of the time. He nuzzled against my chest, letting my final tears drop onto his fluffy back. Boarding the plane was easier today, nobody recognized us so we didn’t have to hide out at all. I had my appointment at the abortion place just after 4 this afternoon, I wasn’t nervous, I was happy. This last living memory of my fathers disgusting behavior. Landing in Sydney, it was raining again. I tried not to see this as a bad omen but it was hard, with the help of raybans and hoodies we managed to sneak out unnoticed. I wanted to do this alone. This was my problem, I needed to face it alone. Aleesha and Imogen went off together while I headed towards the direction of the clinic. When I finally found it just after 3:45, I sat in a hard plastic chair and filled out the parts of the form that my mum didn’t. I couldn’t forget her face when I told her I was pregnant, she immediately accused me of having sex with Shaun but I managed to convince her I wasn’t ready for sex after the rape and Shaun didn’t want kids.
She must have seen the tears glinting in my eyes when I told her it was from the rape and believed I was telling the truth. Every mothers heartbreak. “Mum, I’m pregnant from being raped” would be the words that would break my heart, if I was ever a mother. ‘Miss Ashley Jane…’ a harsh voice interrupted my day dreams, bringing me back to earth, back to what I was about to do. Take someone’s life. Sure, I had tried to take my own life but this was different, this wasn’t my life to handle to choose. Stepping into the sterile room, I shuttered at the 2 tablets lying innoncently on the bench, after a long detailed instruction on what to do with the tablets, what to expect, and finally was I SURE I wanted to do this. Nodding my head, the world was numb as I accepted the first tablet choking a little as I swallowed it. That was it. Only one more tablet later and this baby would be gone forever. Just what I wanted. I was still numb as I walked out of the room, holding the little foil wrapped pill that would take someones life. I could actually feel the heartbreak my own mother must have felt when she realised I had been trying to kill myself. I was more mature now. This was a new person.
I met up with aleesha and imogen for dinner before we headed back to our hotel that we had booked for the night, I swallowed the second tablet when we got back wincing at the twinges in my stomach.
All I wanted to do was sleep, forget the world so I swallowed one last tablet. A little white one that would knock me out for 8 hours. Valium. My best friend over the long months of nightmares. I fell asleep on the floor as the sun was shining again, the tv still on the random channel I had fallen asleep to. For the first time I didn’t feel sick, didn’t gag or throw up. I decided to have a shower but when I stripped off, I had to bite back a squeaky scream at the bloody mess in my underwear. I had totally forgotten that an induced miscarriage would leave some blood and some other random shit behind but this just scared the living hell out of me.
I jumped in the shower, scrubbing every inch of my body as if to get rid of the memories, when my skin was red and stinging I had to get out and get ready to face what was coming. Pulling on my usual outfit of black jeans and a hoodie, I felt dark and pointless, like I wasn’t a different person. To myself, I was a new person. I ditched the black jeans for some purple skinnies and a grey shirt covering my wrists with a thin black cardigan.
I picked up everything I had worn to bed, pajama pants, shirt, underwear, socks, bra. Everything. And chucked them in the bin. I was different now. I didn’t want to many reminders of the past. The proud smile that spread over Imogen’s face when she saw me just proved that I was changing for the better. She jumped up off the bed that she had made of couch cushions and hugged me, quickly but tightly. She pushed up my sleeves and inspected them, I was used to this routine after Shaun doing it so often but Imogen had never touched my scars before. She smiled when she didn’t find anything new, whispering so only I heard ‘I heard you make a noise and Shaun told me I had to keep an eye on you’. This much, I expected. When you spend 2 and a half months trying to die, you get used to people, prodding and looking for self harm every few days. I hugged her back lightly, before grabbing my phone and ringing Shaun. His voice was full of relief when I told him about the blood and the fact the baby was gone. My day got brighter when I realised I would be seeing him tonight. Back in the arms of my wildest dream. My wildest dream had come true. I was starting to believe in miracles. Believe that someone was looking out for me
