Ash’s pov
being drunk is fun. Being drunk makes everything funny. I never really had an respect for drinkers until the rape, all I really thought of them was that they were idiots. Now I knew how it felt to be drunk and how it felt to drink just to forget your problems and I didn’t judge anyone who drinks anymore.
But tonight was different, Eddie had been here all afternoon looking awkward and sitting in the corner away from me. Being drunk wasn’t as fun when I was uncomfortable he was here, and he was wishing I’d just die or something. He’d been sitting alone for a few hours before he got half smashed, and seemed to forget that I was even here and started enjoying himself. Thankfully this reduced my guilt and I could enjoy myself to.
Until Shaun came down and told me that imogen was upset, I didn’t care what happened to her personally but when he asked me to come sit with her I agreed.
She didn’t want me there, it was clear from the very second our eyes met. But I trusted Shaun, after everything that’d happened and the other night I thought it’d be okay to leave them alone. They were just friends weren’t they?
I drifted back downstairs by myself, picking up another drink on my way out the door. The worst thing was I had Shaun, we were always together. Now without him around I was back to being plain old awkward Ashley, I didn’t really fit in with anyone else here. So I decided to bail, and ended up sitting curled up on the lounge and thinking. Depression, was practically a black cloud. As much as I tried to chase the bad memories and regrets away they always flooded back in as soon as I was alone and vulnerable.
This time the memories came with the razor sharp edges of pain, they tugged at my throat and eyes, choking me and bringing tears to my eyes. They were the feelings of regret, as sharp and painful as they’d been when this mess first started.
I shut my eyes to block the tears, but that was a terrible mistake. The image of what I was remembering flashed in my head, it was a guy and a girl. Screaming, fighting, threatening each other.
“please, just open up to me. You can’t deal with this on your own” his voice was cracking and disappearing in places.
“I can’t. You won’t understand, go away and LEAVE ME ALONE!!”
The girls voice was high pitched and desperate, she had blood dripping off her hand.
“I can’t deal with this much longer!”
“then don’t. Just fuck off like everyone else does!!”
“you know I don’t want to do that..!”
They continued to fight, on and on, their voice echoing around in my mind until I realised this was my argument. It was the argument I’d had with Eddie, the one that’d broken us apart. The one that’d been entirely my fault, the one I regretted immensely.
That’s when someone calling my name snapped me out of it “… Ash?” they poked me until I opened my eyes. It was Eddie, and he looked upset. I sat up and he put his arms around me “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything..”
