Shauns pov.
Time seemed to be frozen, yet moving so fast it hurt. Both at once and it was starting to make me feel like utter crap. These past few days had just been mistakes and heartache, all stitched together in one messy knot and shoved in my face. My wrist was heavy with the silver bracelet I had on, the bracelet I’d gotten ash for her 18th. The message seemed so pointless now. Right now we were heading towards the police station, they wanted an official recorded report from me, because I had been the one to find ash. But reality was mixing with ecstasy in my head, screwing it up and twisting everything inside. The time at the police station passed in a fuzz of confusion and heartache, the lights were too bright and burnt through my eyes. The questions they asked were too hard, the just confused me and bought back the dark details of ash’s past that hurt to remember. By the time they’d finished grilling me, I’d managed to cry again, on film. Tonight I felt so damn vulnerable, i hadn’t cried so much in my whole life. I’d never felt like such a weak excuse for a man.
I guess I’d never actually been such a weak excuse for a man, so at least my feelings were matching the truth.
The police guy that had brought me here insisted on driving me home, and I just had to agree. I wasn’t exactly in the right mind frame to drive all the way home.
But when I got home it just hurt even more, just seeing all her stuff stung.
I’d had serious girlfriends before but loosing Ash hurt more than all the break-ups.
The shadows danced across the walls, and the silence was practically deafening. I’d never really felt so alone, even though I was surrounded by my own memories.
Upstairs a mixture of my stuff and hers was scattered around the room, and it sent pains shooting across my arms. The room was starting to spin, so I grabbed my acoustic guitar and ash’s book before slamming the door behind me. I barely had time to put them down before my stomach dropped and I had to sprint to the bathroom. Again. But this time i really was alone, nobody to give me water and rub my back, and that made me even sadder. It felt like I couldn’t keep control over myself, that everything had just cracked and shattered and I was useless. The blade I knew that Ash had used to cut caught my eye, and for a second I considered it. No more being here alone, no more regrets. I could be with ash again. No. Then I’d be letting so many thousands of people down.
“SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT DIVINEY”
My own voice echoed around the empty room, making me jump, this was not a good sign, but I didn’t really have anyone else to talk to. Except myself, and I couldn’t stay silent forever. This wasn’t the way out, if there was one thing that I’d learnt from Ash was you could find happiness again, and I intended to.
I took my guitar downstairs along with ash’s book, and curled up on the lounge. The only light was coming from a dim lamp in the hallway, and the from my open laptop on the coffee table.
The past few hours were really catching up to me now, everything that’d happened was shooting around my mind. Usually guitar helped with everything, tonight it wasn’t really doing anything for me.
So instead I started playing around the song I’d been working on with ash, if they’re was anything I could do to make her death mean something it was to produce this song.
I couldn’t stop the tears coming again, but by now I just didn’t give a fuck what I looked like. Something’s are far more important than ego, and looking like you’re unbreakable.
The book digging into my hip was starting get to me, I promised that I wouldn’t read it but now I couldn’t keep that promise. I was so tired but going up to bed was something I didn’t want to do, it’d just hurt more. Instead I grabbed a couple of blankets from the cupboard and put on a futurama dvd, curled up on the lounge and just let myself hurt. Maybe it’d all feel better in the morning.
