Shauns pov
The day after our tour finished, I was totally hung over and needed to clear my head. I walked around, ending up in the park. While I was walking a little teenie girl ran up to me, hugging me and kissing me hard. Ok so I was used to girls throwing themselves at me but not many had the guts to kiss me like this. Aleesha came up and told me off, I tried to tell her the truth but she wouldn’t have any of it. Then it all shattered. Ash had seen, she was the last person in the world I wanted to hurt, she meant more to me then any amount of screaming fans. But what stung the most was what she said. Fame was not turning me into “a complete ass” i was still the same person. Ok so maybe I was a diva, but I already knew that, I’d been told since i could talk. So what if our sound had changed, if the way we looked changed, I was still the same person and ash still meant more than anything to me. Ash had gone, maybe for good but I had to fix it.
Nax was standing beside me, all awkward and not helpful at all. I’d never felt more alone despite having so many fans who would drop everything to be with me, despite being surrounded by people having fun. It felt like the world was passing me by, with everything going in fast forward while I was stuck on slow motion. Too numb to run after her, to embarrassed to talk to nax. So I did all I could do, I ran. I didn’t care at all where I was going, wasn’t even looking to see If nax was following. It calmed me down, the thump of one foot after another hitting the ground. It was like a rythym. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore, until I couldn’t breathe. The world had been flashing past, I hadn’t been concentrating. It wasnt until I stopped running and fell onto the ground breathing in as much as I could that I realised my cheeks were wet. Mentally I slapped myself, told my brain that big boys don’t cry. Cos 90% of the time they don’t.
Ashleys pov
Story of my life, everything goes perfect as if it’s too good to be true, than bam! It is. Everything crashes down, pulling you back to the sad little fucked up place you came from. Shaun was the only one I had trusted, now he’d gone and smashed that trust. It wasn’t just the kiss it was the fact he tried to lie and cover it up. Right now all I wanted to was to disappear, I didn’t want to go home, I couldn’t stay here and I was totally alone. When I had first met Shaun and we had talked, asking random questions about each other he had asked me what I would change if I could turn back time, at the time it had been self harming but now it was that I never met Shaun diviney. It was dark now, the bugs were biting and it was cold but I was numb. I couldn’t even move from my sad little spot near the lake. I was past crying, past anger, past regret and now all I was thinking about was that cold hard blade ripping at my skin.
Leesh had gone an hour ago to find me somewhere to stay, but she probably got lost. But for the first time since I started cutting I couldn’t do it, Shauns voice was going around in my head, his pleading and concern when I cut infront of him. I just couldn’t do it, no matter how much I wanted to hurt him. My phone kept going off in my pocket, I ignored it until I got so frustrated I chucked it into the lake infront of me, swearing at it as it plunged into the unknown. Last time I was so upset I listened to short stack, but now I couldn’t stand to so I grabbed my iPod out and blasted “I’m not ok” instead, yelling the lyrics and not even caring who heard. “I’m not ok, I’m not ok, I’m not oh-fucking-Kay” I yelled out into the blackness before collapsing into tears again. I really wasn’t ok, I needed Shaun and I couldn’t talk to him. But think of the devil, and the devil shall appear. ‘ash’ I turned around to Shaun looking at me, he was wearing one of my jumpers and was all pale and his eyes were red but I was still so so angry… ‘get fucked’ I said straight to his face and turned back around. Did I really just tell the one person I trusted to fuck off for the second time today? Well there goes my happily ever after.
I walked away from him, I was 18 now, I could do whatever. And whatever happened to be getting so drunk I couldn’t remember anything.
