Me Without You

Chapter 1

You Were Warm...

Tap. Tap. Scribble. Tap.

I couldn't get my mind off of those simple sounds. "Roxanne," the woman spoke up behind her clipboard and the sounds stopped. "Roxie," I said out of habit and she gave me a warm smile, placing her cold fingers on my arm. I would've quickly pulled away had it not been for my huge jacket. I hated coming here, she always kept it so freaking cold.

"Sorry," she removed her glasses and placed her clipboard down, "Roxie. Have you thought about writing letters?" she started, "some of my other clients have tried when dealing with such a traumatic experience. I've had better results since they started. Maybe addressing the letters to..."

I raised my hands and stopped her. "Don't," I shook my head, "don't say his name." "I'm sorry, it's just-- it's been weeks, Roxie and you need to start living life." "I can't," I shrugged simply, hiding the fact that my heart was racing and my lungs were about to cave in.

"You need to learn how to live life again and that starts with saying..." she paused when she saw my glare and fixed her sentence, "his name." I simply looked away and let my eyes wander to the clock and forced a smile.

"Well my time's up, thanks Mrs. Lo," I stood and grabbed my back pack before rushing to her door. "Don't forget what I said about the letters, Roxie."

The moment the bright sun and fresh air slapped me in the face, I decided to take a deep breath and place my headphones on. Sitting on the bench at the bus stop, I waited for the bus and let my mind roam.

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"You suck!" I screamed and ran away from the launching water balloons, laughing at the entirety of the game. "No honey, actually I'm winning". "Look, we have to study at one point or we're definitely going to fail."

"Oh my gosh, Roxie, you're a genius I'm the one that is in danger of failing," Bennie folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "Exactly my point, now let's study and dry," I pinned my hair up and he patted my head. "I love your purple hair, Roxie,"  he passed his fingers through my hair, "what's the next color?" I shrugged, "Maybe green, I have no clue. What do you think?" I asked and he shrugged.

"I think you should go with a natural color, surprise them." "Who's them?" I asked and he smiled. "Our haters," he chuckled and I rolled my eyes and pulled out my book. "What haters?" I asked and he scoffed. "Duh, we're totally the most popular people in the world. We obvi have haters, don't you see them." "I love you Bennie," I laughed and he pulled me in a hug.

"I know, who doesn't?"

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I clutched onto my chest and tried to catch my breath, the wounds were way too fresh to be dreaming about...him.

"Ma'am?" someone tapped my shoulder and I looked up, feeling the fresh tears roll down my face. Dammit. I hated looking weak. I hated feeling it more.

"Yes?" I wiped my face with the sleeves and faked a smile. "Your bus just left," the guy spoke up and I cursed. "Shit," I felt my cheeks redden and looked at my watch. It was almost eight, how long have I been sleeping? "Are you ok?" he asked, sitting beside me and I just stared at him. I didn't really like speaking, let alone to strangers so I just nodded and placed my head phones back on and played my music.

"What're you listening to?" he continued to speak and I mentally groaned. "You might not know her, Lana Del Rey," I began playing my music again. "Know her? I love her," he smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. "You do?" I asked, feeling skeptical, "what's your favorite album?"

"All of them, but seriously if I have to choose it would have to be Die For me. What about you?" he asked and I was still cautious but nodded. "Same, I love every song on that album. I'm surprised," I started then stopped. "I know, I don't look like one of her listeners," he chuckled and I nodded. "Yeah you don't," I agreed and he smiled.

"Well I'll let you get back to your music," he smiled and I nodded, hitting play one more time and letting the music fill my ears. And cloud my mind.

I waited for the night bus and watched as the strange guy stood and left, getting into his vehicle and scoffed. This was obviously a joke, he must've have gotten a good laugh. Messing with the weird kid with the purple hair, I rolled my eyes and focused on the music.

I mean why else would anyone talk to me? The only true friend I had was...no I couldn't even think of his name. Although I tried, his smiling face popped in my mind and I felt my heart crack again with heartache and I felt the tears spring from my eyes. Would it be like this every time I thought about him or would the pain eventually cease?

I felt as if my world was crashing and I was being crushed inside and yet not. The pain was unbearable and no matter how hard I tried to act like I wasn't hurting, the pain was evident in my face and tears.

Wiping my eyes once more, I stood when I saw the headlights of the oncoming bus and took in a deep breath. This had to get better, I thought looking behind at my therapist's building. Maybe writing a letter wouldn't be as bad. I could just write his name, right?

Rushing home, I opened the door and was granted with silence. My mom must have picked up an extra shift, I thought as I poured me a bowl of cereal and quickly downing my dinner before heading to my room.

After a quick shower, I stood in the mirror and stared at my reflection. I looked at my dull eyes and pale cheeks, why? Just why? I hated this self pity, life was much more complicated but I couldn't help the anger, confusion and betrayal I felt when I thought about...him.

Sitting at my desk, I opened my notebook and with a shaky hand, grabbed a pen. "Here goes nothing."

Dear Bennie,

You were warm....