Me Without You

Chapter 48

"Hey," Q stood and hugged me as I returned the greeting. "Sorry, I'm late," I apologized and handed him a tea, "I brought you a drink. We had a late night, my mom's wedding was last night." "Oh," he looked behind me, "congrats. It's a party?" he questioned and I nodded.

"Yeah, they wanted to come. I know it's usually us doing this, but..." "No, it's cool. I like to share him, too," he smiled, "what's up guys."

"Hey, I'm Bria," Bria started, "this is my girlfriend, Mindy." "Sup," Mindy smiled at him. 

"I'm Jessica," she hugged him, "nice to finally meet you." "Jessica?" he questioned her and she nodded, her face turning red. "Yeah, I was the bitch Bennie told you about, but I swear I have changed. If you can forgive me."

"I forgave her. She is a better person," I interjected and he nodded. "Fine," he sighed, "if Roxie forgives you, then so can I." "Well, you know me," Ricky paused and they hugged.

"So, you guys have been doing this since we left for college?" Jessica asked and we nodded. "We made a promise," I answered. "For Bennie," he finished, "he deserves to be remembered. In death, he still matters." 

"Of course," Jessica nodded, "I feel like shit every time I think of how bad of a person I was to him. I am so sorry," she wiped her eyes, "but I am working on myself. I am learning to stop being so fucking evil and more open minded." "Thank you for that," Q briefly looked at her, "Roxie?"

"Hmm?" I looked at him and he reached out for me. "Mind if we talk to him first, alone?" 

I nodded and grabbed his hand as we walked to his head stone, sitting beside it.

"Thank you for bringing them, but I don't like Jessica. I mean I know you forgive her, but I can't. Maybe not ever," he explained, honestly and I sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't take your feelings into consideration. She has gotten better, but I completely understand. I'll make sure this stays between us." "Thank you," he paused, "I mean I don't mean to sound rude, but we're the only two who truly loved him that way. His memory deserves to be remembered by those who treated him like he mattered."

"Understood," I bit my lip, "I wrote a letter to him a few days ago." "Oh, you started writing to him again?" "Yeah, it felt weird. I didn't realize how much time had passed since my last letter. It felt foreign. Is that strange?" "No, you're healing." "How are you?" I asked, "I know you started dating."

"It's definitely an adjustment, but he's really sweet to me. He almost reminds me of Bennie. So innocent and green," he chuckled, "I know I'm never going to find someone like him, but it makes this a bit easier." "Good," I grabbed his hand and held onto it, "You deserve some happiness." 

"I'm not the only one. Are you moving on?" "I moved on from him," I started, "I'm currently getting over an ex as well." "Darian?" he asked and I nodded. "I hadn't seen him since I left for college and he appears last night and tried to get back with me."

"What did you say?" "I left him. He has to go back to Korea, he got over me in a matter of months, I can't do that to myself again. Maybe when school is over and he's back I'll consider it, but not now. It's not the right timing."

"What about hottie over there?" Q asked, motioning toward Ricky, "looks like homie grew up." "Shut up," I smacked him, "but I think that conversation may be happening soon. He wants to talk about us after this." "I say you go for it. I mean where else are you going to find a loyal ass friend like him?"

I turned back to find Ricky talking to the girls, turning to look at me and flash a smile. I mean he did look different and he was always there for me. 

Memories flashed back of that special night all those years ago and I smiled.

"Oh?" Q interrupted my thoughts, "am I missing something?" "No," I smacked him, "I mean we did kind of almost hooked up a few years back, but he didn't have protection." "So, there is some chemistry. Glad, I wasn't tripping." "Shut up," I laughed and he stood and held my arms.

"Roxie," he said my name, "you and I both know how fast life goes and how fast people leave us." We turned to look at Bennie. "We both lost someone that is very important to us. Love only happens to so few people; you've been lucky to experience with genuine people. I say follow your heart and let your mind take a seat in the back seat for once."

"But," I sputtered and he gave me a look. "Life goes by fast. Tell the people you love how you feel before it's too late."

I licked my lips and nodded as we hugged.

"See you next year?" he asked and I nodded. "Fine," I sighed, "I'll take your advice. I'll see you next year, and Q?" "Yes?" 

"Thank you for being here today. Thank you for not forgetting him." "I couldn't forget him even if I wanted to. I love you, chick." "I love you, too."

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"God, it has been so long since we sat here and ate ice cream," I chuckled, dipping my spoon in my cup of ice cream as he did the same. We were in the bed of his truck; no not that rusted one, but a newer one his dad had bought.

"Yeah, it feels like forever since we last did this. Remember Mindy's party?" he asked and I chuckled. "Yeah, how bad I broke down in the bathroom. That was the night you met Jessica too." "Yeah," he looked at me, "so, ready for that conversation?" "Fine, I can't avoid it anymore."

"Good."

I sat up and listened as he saved his dish and turned to me.

"I love you, Roxie. I care about you a lot; I always have. Maybe it was when I wrote that first poem, when you hurt me with your rejection. I never gave up hope until you told me you began dating Darian and I started to see Jessica. Even then, I couldn't control my feelings for you. You were always there and we were always together; it just made sense."

"Yeah, I do agree with that," I bit my bottom lip. 

"I dated Jessica to distract me and yes I did care about her; it just didn't compare to how I felt about you. It was why I tried to distance myself; I had to. I couldn't deal with you loving another. I wanted you to be my first and it hurt that it would never happen. I don't want to guilt you into caring about me, but I don't want to you to keep lying to yourself. We have feelings for each other; always have."

"I'm not denying those feelings, Ricky. It's just..." "No excuses," he grabbed my hands and squeezed them, "I'm pouring my heart out now. I don't know why I waited this long, call it being stubborn; I don't know. I just know when I saw you at your mom's wedding, those nagging feelings came back. Maybe they never left," he shrugged, "I want to be with you, Roxie."

"Oh?" I pulled my hands away and stood, getting away from him to breathe.

He climbed out and walked to me. "I don't expect an answer now, I just needed you to know that. I'm sorry if I crossed a boundary."

"You always did that, you know. We always did it," I started, "when I was dating Darian, we did things that no other normal friends would do. I slept in the same bed, I cuddled with you and you held me while I grieved. I ran from my boyfriend to you for comfort."

"What are you getting at?" he asked as I rambled. "Maybe you weren't the only one in denial."

"Roxie?"

"I care about you too, Ricky. Maybe I always did, but at the time it wasn't the right time. Maybe I was too deep in grief and because you were there for me like Bennie was, I thought that's where I should have kept you. Where I keep you now."

"What are you saying, because it feels like a long ass riddle." "I'm sorry," I turned to him, "I'm just saying I want to be with you too."

"So, are we doing this?"

"I'm going back to California. How can we do this?" I asked, "I can't do long distance, speaking from experience."

"Well," he looked at the sky, "I've survived Louisiana and New York; I'm sure I can handle the west coast."

"I can't ask you to pack up and leave, your heart is in Louisiana, Ricky." "My home is Louisiana, my heart is where you are, Roxie. I'm not going to be a fool and let you go again."

He held my face and we looked at each other and just like that night; everything became quiet as we focused on each other. I felt my heart beat loudly as he leaned in and I copied his movements.

Ricky.

Who would have thought I would give you my heart?