Me Without You

Chapter 29

THE NEXT DAY....

"I'm coming," Ricky got up and I turned over to see that it was eight a.m.

"Must be housekeeping," I mumbled as he rubbed his face. His bed hair was just so adorable, I thought as I stretched in bed.

"We're good...," I heard Ricky start to say and then he grew quiet.

"Ricky?" I called out, but was awarded with no response.

"Sorry," he walked back and pointed at the door, "um Roxie."

"What's wrong?" I questioned sitting up and my jaw dropped when I saw who walked in.

"Q?" I said aloud and he looked at me, sadness in his eyes. "You must be Roxie," he smiled, "I recognize you from the pictures. I'm sorry for intruding," he looked at me and then Ricky and looked away, "I'm so stupid." He walked out as Ricky covered his chest, confused at what just happened.

"Stupid?" I paused, "wait. Hold up," I tried to scramble up and rush outside, catching up to him as he waited on the elevator.

"Q, please," I begged and he turned to me, tears in his eyes.

"I didn't mean to ruin your birthday, I just thought...I don't know what I thought. Apparently, I should be getting used to this. Not the first time I've been stood up and probably won't be the last. I hope you had a good birthday."

"You were hoping to see Bennie," I bit my lip, now it was my turn to try and control my tears. "Yeah, but he's been dissing me for months now. I saw that the hotel wasn't cancelled and that there was a confirmation link sent to my email that someone checked in. I just...I just wanted to know who." "Q," I tried to explain.

"I mean I didn't want to meet you like this and I'm sorry for intruding with your boyfriend or whatever. It's just, I got excited. I didn't think he would want to continue this trip. I mean we did break up, but I thought it was just because he was trying to understand his place in the world, or some shit. He sent me some ominous text and he's been ignoring me since. I thought we were ready for the next step, but I must have scared him. Just tell him, I'm sorry and he doesn't have to worry about me anymore."

The elevator doors swung open, but I grabbed him.

"I can't do that," I paused and tried to control my breath. "Why? You're not friends with him anymore?" he looked confused.

 "He's gone," I rushed out, "Bennie died."

I was taken back when he slumped into me. It was just how I did. The oxygen was literally taken from him as he tried to breathe and I heard the sobs next. "You're lying," he tried to say, "no. No, that's not true. Not Bennie," he shook his head, "I just saw him three months ago. He said he needed space, he said he was confused and I told him ok. What happened? Was it a car accident? I know he's been trying to get his license."

"Come on," I held onto him as we both relived the worst day. "Let's go back to the room so I can explain to you."

"Wait," he stood and began pacing, "please, just give me a moment. I thought he was here," he began to get flustered. "He's gone?" he asked, "you're lying. Please tell me this is some sick joke, Roxie. Please," he grabbed onto me, begging. "I wish. I just found out about this trip. He sent me a package with letters and videos."

"Oh God," he cried and Ricky appeared. "Come on," he started and we walked back into the room.

I gave him a moment as Ricky went get drinks from the vending machine.

"What happened?" he spoke after a while. 

"He..." I took a deep breath, "he killed himself." 

He began to shake his head and stood, talking to himself.

"He sent me a text after we broke up. He said he was sorry for being confused and wished things had ended differently. I remembered he was trying to come out to his parents, but he stopped texting and calling. I thought he was just going through some shit so I gave him space and then I tried calling him, but he never responded. I thought he hated me and I grew angry so I dropped it. I got an email last night and I was coming to confront him."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I don't know what to say," I paused as covered his face and sobbed. "This has to be a nightmare. I have to wake up, man," he broke down and I held him. I remembered his pain. How it felt when my mom told me the sad news.

How when I returned home he wasn't there. I had thought he went out for something to eat, so I didn't think much of it.

How Misty called me, but I ignored her and finished unpacking; completely oblivious to the news I was about to receive.

How my mom answered her phone and I heard the scream she released. 

How panicked I was when I ran to her and she couldn't look me in my eyes. I remember my heart beating so badly, so I did what I always did. 

I ran to my phone and called you; rushing you back home. The defeat I felt when it went to voicemail and I left you one.

"Please call me back, Bennie. I think something is wrong with your mom."

I remember the exact words I left on your voicemail. I remember saving my phone and my mom walking to me; squeezing the daylights out of me.

"I'm so sorry, Roxie," she whispered against me and I felt my blood grow cold.

"Is she ok?" I asked and she shook her head. "No one is ok," she simply said and I pulled back.

"What happened, mom?" I asked and she began to cry; worrying me even more. "Is it Misty?" I asked, and she shook her head. "Benjamin?" I asked, referring to his dad and again she shook her head. "Who called you mom?" I asked, my heart stammering even louder.

I pulled out my phone and called Bennie again; and again getting his voicemail.

She pulled the phone from me and grabbed me. "Roxie," she said my name and my heart broke. What was going on?

"He's gone."

******************************

It had been hours since we spoke. Ricky had returned with the snacks, but no one had an appetite. 

"This doesn't feel real," Q spoke up after a while, his voice thick with misery.

"I know," I rubbed his back, "I wish I knew about you sooner. He wanted us to meet so badly," I sighed. "I know," he grabbed my hand, "he was so fucking awesome." "I know," I bit my lip, "I'm happy to miss him with someone else."

"Yeah," he nodded, "it does feel good not to be alone," he stood and groaned.

"Well for Bennie," he started, "we have one more day here. I promised to show you New York; are you still down?" "For Bennie," I stood and he wrapped his arms around me.

"For Bennie."