Me Without You

Chapter 17

Dear Bennie,

I had a slip up. I almost killed myself and it was completely by accident; I think. The thought of being reunited with you is the most bittersweet statement I could muster, but not now. Life has seemingly gotten a bit better, but it only makes me only angrier. 

Why couldn't this happen sooner? If it did, would it have saved you...from you?

These questions roam in my head daily, Bennie and what pisses me off the most is that I'll never have an answer to that so my imagination runs off with whatever mood I am in. 

I miss you, buddy. I miss having my friend beside me at every waking second and I miss the thought of your existence. How I will no longer make any new memories with you and the old ones will soon become blurred by age.

I guess I'll have to wait until time can mend this wound; if it can.

You were more than a friend to me, Bennie and I hope you knew that.

Roxie

****************************************

"Are you nervous?" my mom asked, brushing my hair and I sighed and shrugged.

"I don't know, I feel emotional, if that makes sense." "Perfect, I'm excited. So, is he your official boyfriend?" she asked, sitting across from me as she applied some make up. "I don't know, he did ask, but I have no clue. I have never done this," I sighed, "I just wish Bennie was here."

"I know," she wiped my eyes as they grew misty, "he's with you. With me, every waking minute. You must know that, love." "I know," I groaned, "and I hate feeling like this, it's just I always thought I'd have him to gush over my first boyfriend with."

"I know," she pulled me in and squeezed me tightly, "but it feels good to talk to you about him. I was always so scared to do this; that if you weren't showing any signs then that meant you were alright. I had no clue how bad you were hurting, Roxie," she patted my back. "I didn't know either until Ricky pulled me out," I pulled back, "I'm sorry for scaring you like that." "I know, just please be more careful."

She stood and smiled, "You're all done and we still have twenty minutes until he's here. Should we take that moment to talk about safe sex?" she asked and I felt my face flush. "I need birth control, I think," I bit my lip. I was not telling her I had sex already, because this date would only get more awkward that he was here alone before she met him.

"Oh," she sat down again, "wow. Well, that's good to know, I can definitely get you an appointment with my gynecologist. Thank you for being open with me." "Thank you for being understanding. I love you, mom," I hugged her and she kissed me.

"Have fun, love."

************************

"Hello," Darian flashed a beautiful smile towards my mom and handed her a small bouquet of flowers, "these are for you." "Oh, a charmer," she smiled and pulled out her phone, "and yes I'm a dorky mom. This is my daughter's first official date with a cute potential boyfriend; I need to snap a few pictures."

"MOM!" I felt my face turn red, but Darian chuckled and wrapped his arms around me. "It's alright, I love the camera," he posed and I rolled my eyes, but joined him.

"Here you go," he opened the door for me and I sat in his car. "Nervous?" he asked, buckling up and turning on the car.

"A little," I sighed, "no a lot. This is the first step, right?" "Are we accepting my proposal?" "I'll let you know tonight," I smiled at him. "I'm glad to see you're doing better. I missed you," he reached for my hand and I grabbed his.