Me Without You

Chapter 50

Dear Bennie,

Wow. Another letter after so many years; maybe this is my forte. A lot has happened since my last letter so I hope you have time to relive the next couple of years with me.

I'll start with my family; my mom is still married to Jacob, his health had taken a turn for the worse a few months ago, but he is doing better currently. I have an amazing little sister; her name is Paisley and she is the sassiest ten year old you'll ever meet. I wish you were here to meet her, but I tell her everything about you. We have your pictures everywhere.

I haven't really talked to your parents since graduation, but when I do go home to visit you, I try to visit them. They've gotten better with your death and have adopted a little kid; his name is Braylen. He's a sweet heart and he's friends with my sister; how crazy is that?

I've officially moved to California; with Ricky. I know who would have thought we would have made it this far, but I am not surprised. He was my anchor during that hard time when I initially lost you. I was there for him while he grieved over his mom; it's weird how death brings people closer but it happens. 

I guess I got big news too, we're married. We had an amazing and beautiful ceremony; he popped the question at Disneyland of all places. It was my official first time there and he definitely made it memorable. I love that man. We're celebrating our five year anniversary and I have more exciting news; I'm pregnant; and it's freaking twins. I'm telling everyone for Christmas when we fly in and Ricky is really excited. If one of them is a boy, I'm naming him after you; I just want you to know.

I'm still friends with Mindy and Bria. They're married as well and are looking for surrogates currently. They are the cutest!

Jessica is dating some rich guy she met in Paris last year; they're pretty stable at the moment. I don't really talk to her as much as Mindy, but it was to be expected since we were never really friends to begin with.

Q is doing really well; he moved down south; Texas I believe a few years back and he has a very good job. We still visit you every year for your birthday and every year we reflect on the importance of you.

A lot has happened since you decided to leave me, Bennie; a lot of healing too and I remember when I used to fear this future. A life without you, I thought would be impossible because we were inseparable. Our lives were so intertwined that I thought my existence would fade completely without you.

Me without you was a statement I couldn't fathom, because the possibility of me moving on in life without my best friend was an insult. It hurt. It hurt like hell living these years without you, but somewhere between college and adulthood, something changed.

My heart healed a little and my mind moved on. I still think of you daily, but those thoughts don't hurt as much. I don't have panic attacks anymore and I am thankful that I have a piece of my life back. 

I will never stop missing you and I pray that one day I'll remember you when I see you again, and that we can look back at my life and my choices and you'll be proud of me.

I guess this may be the last letter to you, but know that I'll never forget you or the impact you had on my life. I look back on everything that has happened and of that fateful day when you took your own life and my heart aches, because with that single action; it was like a domino effect.

I also realized looking back I never responded to your last letter.

I forgive you, Bennie. I forgave you the moment you left; I just didn't know it yet. I had to feel the pain and the weight of your death before I came to the sad conclusion that this was how life was supposed to be like.

That being your best friend would end like this.

 That loving you would be one of the best gifts God would present me with, because loving a broken soul is the hardest thing to do. But loving you was so damn easy, it was like my life line.

That after death, life still happens and although at the moment of your despair no matter how cruel it sounds; it's true.

I had to live a full life without you, Bennie and although it was hard, I did it. And maybe you were right, maybe it was because I was stronger than you and I don't know how, but I did it. I overcame your death, I overcame your choice to leave me. I hope that your letter is true and that you are resting in peace, my friend.

I guess this is our goodbye for now.

Until we meet again, my epic love

Roxanne "Roxie" Campos