Me Without You

Chapter 16

What is hope, Bennie?

"I'm sorry, Roxie. Please call me back," I replayed the voicemail before deleting it. It had been a few days after my incident at the beach and against my wishes; Ricky stayed and told my mom. She panicked and decided to take a few days off from work and we drove to my grandmother's home.

"Honey," my granny Lila opened the door and sat beside me, "are we still moping?" "I'm not moping, I'm just not hungry." "You're not hungry, thirsty and apparently your nose isn't working either. You smell, love," she covered her nose and smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and grinned at her. "You just know what to say, huh?" I asked and she grabbed me. For an old woman she still had a lot of strength.

"For your mom to take off and head to me, it must not be good. You can talk to her. You can talk to me," she hugged me and brushed my hair, "after a good shower. I am serious, you smell like old shoes." "Fine," I stood, "but only if you bake your sweet cinnamon cookies." "I'm already ahead of you, they're cooling off on the tray now. If you'd shower you would have smelled them by now." "Maybe you're right. Where is my mom?" I asked, standing and grabbing new clothes.

"She's asleep, she's worried sick about you. We both are." "I didn't mean to scare anyone. I just thought I saw him and that's the God honest truth, grandma." "I know," she stood and hugged me again, "we can talk it over some fresh cookies and warm milk. Hurry and make sure to comb your hair too. It's too beautiful to clump like that."

I quickly showered and brushed my hair, realizing I needed another haircut soon. I walked out of my room and toward the kitchen, seeing that my mom was awake now. They were outside on the swing, sipping on coffee.

"Hey," she ran to me, "how are you feeling? I see you finally showered." "I'm fine, mom." "You are not fine, especially after what Ricky told me. We have to talk," she folded her arms and stared at me, "you promised you would talk to me." "Well, that's almost impossible. You're always at work, mom." "That's not fair. I have to work hard to make sure we're okay."

"Then you find excuses. And I have a therapist, what's the point of reliving the same sad story over and over again." "Roxie," she started but grandma stopped. "Stop it," she demanded, "go inside and eat a few cookies. We are talking now," she walked past them and we followed; ashamed to upset her.

"Roxie," she turned to me, "go first. How are you? And don't give me that fine bullshit. Answer honestly."

"I don't know," I shrugged, "I mean I'm not happy, if that makes sense. I'm still very sad, almost depressed but things were getting better. I found a nice guy; well two of them; one is a really kind friend and the other a bit more of a friend. But every time I feel that everything is going back to normal, I think of Bennie." "We don't expect you to be happy. You just lost your best friend," my mom grabbed my hand and my grandma grew quiet, "we just need transparency."

"I know," I felt my eyes tear up, "I just want to be strong for you mom, because I know you work so hard to give us a good life." "No," she wiped my face," that is not your job to take care of me. I am the mom, okay," she smiled at me, "and it's perfectly normal to be hurting. Bennie was a part of our family, I loved him too. I lost him too and it hurts like hell because he was so young and so good. I don't know if you'll ever get over this hurt or pain, Roxie but I am here to help. I'll change my schedule around and I'll make sure you're never alone too much." "If you need to stay with me, to save money I am here. I am literally an hour away," Grandma grabbed my other hand, "we are strong, but together we can get through anything."

"Thank you," I began to sob, "I just really miss him, mom." "I know," she stood and held onto me, "I miss him, too, but for him you must move on. I know it sounds rude and selfish, but you have to, Roxie. You have to live your life for Bennie. He would want you too."