Me Without You

Chapter 6

You were my anchor.

"I'm sorry for passing a boundary or whatever I did wrong. I just thought it was a moment we were sharing," he kept apologizing and I bit my lip to keep quiet. "You didn't do anything wrong, it's me. Maybe I'm too broken to be loved." "Hey, don't say that. You do deserve everything good in this world. Don't do that to yourself." 

"I'll see you tomorrow," I turned to my house and he sighed. "I'm sorry." "Stop apologizing," I turned back around. "I can't help it. Until you really prove to me that I did nothing wrong, I'm going to assume it." "That's not fair," I paused and smiled, "I did enjoy the kiss." 

"Good, I hope we can do it again." "Maybe," I bit my lip again and pulled out my cell phone. "Give me your number, we can text or whatever." "I'd like that," he grabbed my phone and put his number in it. "I put the kissy emoji so you don't forget me." "I won't," I opened the car door and waved bye at him as I walked in the house.

"So, who was that?" my mom was by the door, a smile on her face. "A friend."

"IS that Darian?" she asked," or whatever his name is? He is cute." "Mom, really?" I rolled my eyes, "were you watching us?" "Of course, I'm cool but I'm still your mom." "Anyway," I stopped her, "what's for dinner?" "Chinese?" she asked and I laughed. "Sounds like a plan."

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Dear Bennie,

I had my first first kiss today. It was actually sweet and nice. Something I didn't think I would have for another few years because I am awkward as shit. I still think about our first kiss and when you told me you were gay. I can't believe I thought we were going to end up together. That little crush I had on you, now that I think of it was completely spontaneous and crazy. I can't believe you let me embarrass myself by kissing you.

It was nice though, because you were my first kiss. This kiss however was completely different; I guess the feelings were reciprocated. It was soft. I mean really soft and quick and of course it wouldn't be me if I didn't ruin it some kind of way. I totally embarrassed myself again and freaked out because I thought of you. I wonder if that's going to continue to happen, when I experience something new. Am I going to always think of you and push away. Will I ever trust anyone ever again? Especially with my heart? You had my whole heart and now it is shattered into a million pieces because you left me. I hate that every letter returns to the fact that you're still gone and that you left me. I am bitter. And I don't think that's going to be changing anytime soon.

Roxie

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"Are you going to school tomorrow?" my mom asked. We were painting each other's toe nails and I sighed. "Yeah, I had a paper to do, so I have to hurry and do that when we're done." "A paper? What was it about?" she asked, blowing on her work and I smiled at the smiley face on my big toe. "What we did this summer." "Really?" she looked at me and I sighed. "I know, normal people had normal summers this one, I won't write about him." "You sure?" she asked, "are you ready to write about him?" "I mean I write letters like the therapist wanted me to, but I've never spoken them out loud. I don't think I'm ready for that." "You have to read them aloud?" she asked and I shrugged. "I don't know, but I'm pretty sure. She seems like she's the type to make us do stuff we don't want to." 

"If you're not ready then don't." "I mean, I'm unsure now. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen because it did." "Everyone knows it did." "I know, they let me know every time I'm walking to my classes." "Are you still getting bullied?" she asked and I shook my head. "No, everyone's afraid to bully me now. They think I'll do what he did." "You won't right?" she asked, looking worried. "No, I'll talk to you, mom. I promise." "I know Bennie didn't have that at home, but I want you to know that I'm here." "I know, trust me I know." 

"Well, I have a double tomorrow, so I won't be seeing you until late." "Good night," she kissed my cheek and I smiled and sighed.

Turning to my desk, I grabbed my lab top and began typing away.

Bennie, you had your whole life ahead of you and now it seems as if I had you in my life for the briefest of moments. It's crazy how we were talking of our future and now you're not here to finish what you dreamed of. God, Bennie you were such a dreamer.