Me Without You

Chapter 9

Happy Birthday, Bennie

This is the first birthday that we won't be together. The first of many and I just had to wake up to depressing shit.

I wiped my face and looked in the mirror. It was a beautiful Saturday morning and although it felt so nice outside I couldn't stop thinking of Bennie.

Dear Bennie,

Happy birthday, Bennie. You would have been eighteen today and I can't believe you're legal in Heaven. I miss you so fucking much, I hope you're enjoying yourself.

I had another date last night and it was nice. We didn't kiss and I am kind of sad and happy at the same time, I don't want to freak out again. I really like him, Bennie and it is so weird. Our of this tragedy I am finding  out new things about myself, I am meeting new people and finally seeing the truth behind old ones. Life is so strange.

I don't know what angels do in Heaven but I hope whatever you're doing is nice and fun. I need it to be, Bennie that is the only way I can stop this pain from hurting. I am trying to enjoy my Saturday by going to this writer's club my therapist recommended I go and see. I hope I like it, it'll help with the healing.

Am I a bad person for wanting to be healed already? Sometimes I agree with her and then other times I feel like I need the pain. I need to feel it so that I know this is real, so that I know you were real. I know I won't forget you, but it eats at the back of mind, what if I do? If I did, what would happen to you then? 

Roxie

*****************************************************************

I walked in the building and everyone turned to me and I felt so loud.

"Good afternnon, welcome," the woman, I'm guessing was the president or whatever stood and walked toward me. "Hi, my name is Melissa," she smiled at me and I returned it. She looked like a pretty genuine person. "My name is Roxie." "I like it, you'll fit right in, how did you learn of us?" she asked as I chose a chair and everyone turned to me. "A friend," I kept my story quiet and she nodded, catching my uncomfortable posture. "Well, everyone this is Roxie. Why don't we introduce ourselves."

"Hi, Roxie," another girl turned to me, her hair a bright blue and I smiled. "My name is Mia. Cool name by the way." "Thanks, cool hair," I returned the compliment and she blushed. "Hey Roxie, my name is Mike." He was cute, but so much older than me, maybe late twenties.

"Well, we know each other," another guy turned around and I recognized him instantly from school and I felt my cheeks redden. I was so mean to him last time I saw him and he smiled at me.

"It's Ricky. I didn't know you wrote." "Yeah, it's a new thing for me." "Cool," he turned around and I bit my lip. "I'm sorry about last time we saw each other." "It's ok, I'm used to it."

Ouch.

Melissa began talking to I dropped it, a few other people walked in, but introductions were over and people began reading their work. Their poems and stories were so intriguing I found myself at the edge of my chair.

"Roxie, did you want to read something?" Melissa turned to me and I shook my head. "Maybe next time." "I'll hold you to that." "I'll go," Ricky raised his hand and I looked at him. "Your first time, great!"

He stood and walked to the 'stage' and cleared his throat. "I call this Deep Purple."

He looked around and skipped over me and I grew nervous. Deep purple?

Alone.

That's how it's been since I got here. Big crowds, loud people but no real conversations.

Chit chat, the chatters swallow my nerves and allow me to wallow in this awkwardness that is until I notice another misfit.

I watch as she clutches onto the silence as it seems painful to embrace what society deems normal.

Painful to be lively and loud just as the chatters in the hallways.

No, she just hides, hides behind those big eyes and deep purple waves.

She is gorgeous and quiet and weird and lonely.

Just like me.

Or maybe I thought so, maybe I was decieved by those deep purple waves. 

I underestimated the lonliness I felt because when slammed with rejection, I crawled into myself even deeper.

Shunned away like the runt of the pack where I belong, or seem to belong.

Slammed away by those lucious dark locks, mesmerized by those deep blue eyes and frightened of those hardened words coming out of her soft mouth.

That's how I've been since  I got here. Stuck in big crowds, with  loud people hearing pointless conversations. 

Waking around those chatters in the hallways aimlessly just so that I can get a glimpse of her deep purple locks.

"That was beautiful, Ricky. I knew you were keeping that talent away from us." "I've been waiting for the perfect time to read it. Sorry," he finally turned to me and I stood and walked out.

Was I that awkward girl he was talking about? I mean I was the only girl who yelled at him with purple hair. 

"Roxie!" I turned to find him running after me. "You wrote about me?" I asked, and he stopped. "I'm sorry, I write about a lot of different things." "Yeah and you just happen to read that one with me here. Did you know I was coming here?" 
"No, I'm new here I know no one. Didn't you listen?"

"Why, why m?" I asked and he shrugged. "I find you pleasing to look at and I only write about beautiful things." "I'm seeing somone." "Oh," he paused, "well maybe we can be friends. I don't have much of those."

"I'm sorry for snapping on you, I shouldn't have. I've just been going through a rough patch." "I know, I may not know anyone but people talk. I'm sorry for your lost." 

And just like that you were slapped in my face, Bennie.

"I chose writing to ease my depression, is that why you write?" he asked and I shrugged. "I guess you can say that. I began writing after Bennie died." "It helps, it gets easier." "How do you know?"

"You know you're not the only person to lose someone. I lost my mom to cancer a few months ago, it's why my dad and I had to move here." "I'm sorry, I didnt' know." "Yeah, that's not something you just go blurting around."

"Yeah, I guess."

I saw the bus approach and sighed. "There's a party I'm going to tonight, did you want to go with me?" "I thought you were seeing someone." "I am, but we're not dating, yet anyway. Look do you want to make friends or not?" I asked and he smiled.

"Sure, does that mean I can have your number, purple waves?"