Me Without You

Chapter 27

I walked back to my computer, once I was sure Darian was asleep.

I clicked on the next video and finished it. I wanted to finish them alone.

There were moments where he would just record me and talk nonsense like his usual self.

Once I was finished, I went back to the blank folder and clicked it. There was a video that stated I'm Sorry. My heart dropped, making me think of his last letter. He didn't make a video, did he?

I clicked on it with shaky hands and watched it.

He was sitting in a room, pausing before starting.

"Hey, Roxie," he started, wiping his face. I could tell he had been crying. "Look, I'm sorry," he started, "I didn't mean to say the things I did, but I have to clarify something. I need to get this off my chest before anything happens."

"I wrote you a letter that talked about some personal shit. I don't know if you read it yet, but I was completely honest. Labels," he paused, "are some of the trickiest shit ever. I mean, I label myself as a black gay guy, but am I? I mean of course I'm black," he paused and chuckled. "But am I just gay? Am I really into labels?"

I watched in confusion. "I found someone, which I'm hoping I introduced you to him by now, but we had an argument. I got mad at you for some stupid ass reason and it's just been eating at me. This personal writing shit is mad annoying because I'm beginning to question some shit now. I love you," he paused and looked at the camera.

It felt like he was talking to me and I had to still my heart.

"You're my best fucking friend," he rubbed his head, "and maybe I've had one too many drinks," he groaned, "but seeing you today talking to that guy pissed me off. That was the first time that happened, ever. But it wasn't because you were talking to him, but what he said after you left. He had the fucking audacity to say he was going to change your life and what not. You know, fucking locker talk as if I wasn't there. I wanted to punch in his face so bad," he grabbed his fists.

"But I'm already on thin ice with that fucking school. I cannot wait until we graduate and leave this place. I cannot wait for this trip," he paused and choked on his tears, "it's been really hard. Going through this, and I know you try to be there for me, but it's...it's not enough."

He took a deep and ragged breath, trying to compose himself. "Maybe I'm rambling or whatever," he rubbed his neck and looked at the camera again. "I do that when I'm nervous."

"I think I need to take a moment and just relax. I think I need to break up with Q until I know what I want. Or who I want. God, I'm not making any sense. Why isn't there a fucking manual on sexual preference. Am I gay? Am I bi?"

What was he getting at? I felt my heart drop as he grabbed the camera and lied down in bed. 

"I think I made a mistake by pushing you away. I thought I wanted to be with you because being straight is so much easier in life, but maybe that was just because I was terrified on taking that next step with you. What if you're my one and only? I don't know," he licked his lips.

"All I do know, is that I love you and I guess when you get this if I don't delete it, we can talk about it later. I know you'd understand better than me, you're a smart ass."

He laughed and sat up again. "I guess Happy birthday, loser. See you tomorrow."

The screen went blank and I paused it, looking at him. How long has he been gone?

Almost three months since I seen his beautiful face, I couldn't help but awe at him. Almost three months since that disastrous dinner and me leaving him a few days later to return to him...gone.

Almost three month ago he was still planning this trip for me, completely oblivious to his future. 

I touched his face on my screen and held it there. If only I could go back in time and save him. Force him to love himself, if only I could show him how much better life got and how it would have been worth it to stay a bit longer. If only I saw how hurt he was, I could have saved him.

"I'm so sorry, Bennie," I cried. 

He was struggling with his identity and I couldn't help him. All I could do was offer my friendship and comfort him. He had no one else, his mom gave up on him and his dad forced his hand. He confessed his love only adding more to his confusion. I couldn't imagine the pain of not knowing where you stand in the world; how alone he must have felt.

I removed the flash drive and kissed it, placing it in my duffle bag as I went back into my room.

I held onto Darian.

"Hey," he snuggled closer to me as I sniffled. "Hey," I paused, "bad dream," I lied and he turned to me. "Happy birthday, Roxie."