Chapter 15

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"We're skipping today?" Ricky asked as I got inside his truck. "Well, you don't have to, but I am." "Alone?" he asked and I shook my head. "No," I sighed, "Darian's joining." "Well, I guess we can make it a double date, I can invite Jess."

"Jess?" I asked, making a face, "you two have nicknames?" "I guess, she calls me Ricky and I call her Jess, why? Have a problem with it?" he asked, joking and I hit him. "I don't mind as long as she isn't a bitch." "Hey," he stopped me, "so far she isn't. Please don't call her that again."

"Sorry," I bit my lip as I texted Darian where to meet up. "Where are we off to then?"

"The boardwalk, ride a few rides, eat stale popcorn and overpriced drinks. Good stuff." "Sounds like a plan, I'll go get Jess." "I guess."

"Hey," he turned to me as we stopped at a red light. "You told me you were cool with us seeing each other. You can't be the only one dating." "I don't have a boyfriend, technically speaking," I bit my lip, "it's just she put me and Bennie through so much, I'm sorry." "Look, do you mind or not? I don't want her here if she makes you uncomfortable." 

"No, I'm cool, as long as she behaves." "Good," he smiled and he pulled out his cell, calling her.

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"Hey, Roxanne," she smiled at me, and I had to hold in my eye roll. "Hey Jessica," I waved at her as we waited on Darian. "Are you sure he's coming?" Ricky asked, "it's been a while."

"He told me he's on his way." 
"Yeah, that was almost twenty minutes ago, how far does he live?" "I don't know," I shrugged, feeling self-conscious.

"Look, you two can go ahead, we'll catch up." "No, we can stay."

"She said we can go," Jessica grabbed his hands, "let's go have fun before our parents ruin it." "Are you sure?" Ricky looked at me and I nodded.

They walked away and I pulled out my cell calling Darian. Straight to voicemail, maybe he got caught, I thought.

I sighed when I received his text; he couldn't skip because he had a really important test today. I groaned and turned back to the cute couple ahead of me.

He was holding her around her waist and I shook my head; I cannot deal with them as the third wheel. I walked around and decided walking along the small beach we had wouldn't be too bad. The weather was a bit cool, but it was better than watching those two being too much.

I took off my shoes, and let my feet sink in the soft sand; watching the sun. I know my mom was going to be pissed at me, but I needed a day away. With everything from Bennie's birthday to his mom inviting me for dinner, I just needed to take a step away from everything.

I also couldn't help but feel a little upset with Darian. I know he had a different life from me, he obviously came from money, and I only knew him from therapy. I didn't know his family, or where he went to school, and maybe that was why I was so hesitant in becoming exclusive with him. I mean he was my first, but that didn't mean he was my last.

I sat down and sighed, folding my legs and relaxing, taking a deep breath. This was definitely much needed now, I just needed to breathe.

"God, Bennie, you would have loved this," I sighed out loud, "I miss you so much."

The warmth of what sun that was available was genuinely appreciated by me, as I gathered as much as I could.

I opened my eyes and looked beside me; envisioning him with me. It felt so real, I watched as he sat beside me.

"This is nice, Roxie," he turned to me and I smiled. "I miss you so much, Bennie," I felt my vision grow blurry but he stayed. Great, I was losing my mind, I thought, but it was nice.

I laid down and he copied my movements.

"You're doing amazing," he mouthed and I heard his voice loud and crystal clear in my head. 

I just stared at him a bit longer, soaking up whatever time I was allowed.

"Roxie?" I turned to see who was intruding my special moment with my angel.

It was Ricky and Jess.

I looked around and noticed the sun was gone and replaced with pouring rain. How long had it been raining? Had I fallen asleep?

I turned back to where Bennie was and sighed, of course I was dreaming.

I stood and squinted as they ran to me. 

"Where the hell have you been? Why aren't you answering your phone?" he screamed and Jess covered her hair. "Come on, it's raining, let's go," she begged and Ricky turned to her. "Go in the car, I'll meet you," he handed her the keys and I bit my lip.

"I saw him," I said simply and he looked at me. "No," he shook his head, "you were sleeping, Roxie." "No, he was here, he was sitting beside me and he told me I was doing amazing. I heard his voice, it was so clear, Ricky."

"Where is he?" he asked, "let's go, Roxie. Come on."

"NO!" I pulled away and turned back to where I saw Bennie. Maybe I was losing my mind, but it felt so real, I didn't want to let it go. And how dare judge me, he knew what it was like to lose someone you loved.

"Roxie?" he called out my name but I ignored him, running toward the storming weather and water, until it reached my thighs.

What was I doing?

"Roxie?" he screamed again, staring at me as I turned back to the rough waters.

I saw him, I know I did.

I looked around me and noticed the waves were crashing a bit harder as Ricky waited for me to come to my senses.

"Roxie?" I heard his voice say my name? "Bennie?" I turned back to the waters and saw him standing before me.

"I knew you were here," I smiled, walking toward him. "Come on," he urged me, smiling so sweetly. It was as if the storm was gone and we were just swimming away.

"Come on," he rushed me, "I want to show you something." I didn't care about our environment, I just wanted to be beside my best friend; my better half. I missed him so much, and here he was begging me to hurry and go with him. Of course, nothing else mattered as much.

"Roxie?" I turned back to Ricky. "I'm fine," I told him and turned back to find Bennie gone again. The water was to my neck now and I began to panic. Where did he go?

"Bennie?" I called out and was slammed with a wave; going under. I struggled to break free from the wrestling waves and went under again, losing my chance for any air.

I opened my eyes and looked around in the darkness. Had he left me?

"I would never leave you," I heard in my mind. I was content with that.

My burning lungs reminded me that I didn't have much time left with him, so I swam up and broke free, gasping for air. Another wave came rolling in and I was under again as reality slapped me in the face.

Bennie was never there. I imagined it, all of it. I was killing myself with ever dive into this water. I was definitely going to be joining my friend, and somehow I wasn't that panicked,

I felt something wrap around my body and yank me upwards, destroying whatever plan I thought I had.

I broke through the surface again and out of instinct gasped for air as I turned to find Ricky paddling me back. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he yelled at me, but I remained quiet.

I didn't have any words and I began to understand everything. 

Why he did it. Why he left me. Because death was so much easier than facing this pain. I had no clue what he was going through, just like no one knew what I was going through, but it was pretty evident. I was hurting. I was hurting badly and no matter how hard I tried to move on, the pain was too much to bare.

I'm sorry Bennie, maybe death knocking on my door isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Maybe I'm not as strong as you thought I was. Maybe I'm not as deserving as you thought I was. Maybe I should just kill myself and get this pain over with.

Maybe I am a lot closer to that final letter.

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