Me Without You

Chapter 13

"Will you call me tonight?" he leaned against the door and I nodded, leaning in and kissing him. 

"I don't want to seem pushy, but are you sure you want me to leave? I mean if you're mom's working a double I can stay until she comes." "Yeah, I just need to process this," I bit my lip. "Are we good?" he asked. "Of course. We didn't do anything we didn't want to, I promise."

"Good," he leaned closer and I kissed him once more.

I closed the door and sighed, brushing my hair back and closing my eyes.

I looked at the couch and blushed at the recent events, so much for Netflix and Chill.

I cleaned up and saved our trash, washing my hands and turning back to where I just lost my virginity.

I rushed to my room and back in the shower.

I had so much to process and I was still unclear if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Just because we had sex, didn't mean I had to be, right? I didn't know what I got myself into, I turned on the shower, undressed and washed myself.

I still felt his kisses all over me, and I couldn't help the blush that crept on me. I let the water run down my body, I didn't feel disgusted with myself, or dirty, I just knew this was what women did after having sex, right?

I liked the feeling that I gave him myself and I was sure I would feel the same the next day. I didn't feel any guilt, I just felt bad I couldn't gossip about this with Bennie. A stab was felt in my chest, but I tried to shrug it off, he wasn't going to ruin this night.

No, not ruin it. He could never ruin my night, I thought, shaking the negative connotation my brain tried to associate with his name. Bennie could never ruin anything, and even though I wanted in my heart to believe that, I knew it wasn't completely true.

Ever since he chose to leave me, his name became a negative entity, completely separate of the person I loved.

I placed my face under the shower head and let the steaming water clog my thoughts as I focused on what just happened. I had sex. I had sex for the first time with a guy that may be or may not be my boyfriend.

Was that slutty of me? I kind of liked the promiscuous thought of me giving away my body for any guy that caught my attention and then I shut that thought away. I liked Darian and my answer was going to be yes, most likely of course, but I didn't want to rush into anything just because we became physical.

I was still young and it was obvious he really got into relationships. 

I grew confused and turned off the water, stepping out and looked at myself. I mean truly looked at my reflection.

My face was red from the hot water, my body with red patches where the heat hit. My short hair curling up and shrinking around my face. My eyes were dilated and my cheeks were rosy, my lips still swollen from the many kisses. I had a few love marks on my neck and breasts, and I blushed. I guess we were very passionate, I looked at them and looked away, grabbing some pjs and throwing them on.

I walked out of the room and stared at my desk, I have to tell Bennie this, I thought.

I walked to the desk and grabbed my notebook, grabbing a pen.

Dear Bennie,

So, tonight I had sex. I had sex with Darian, and no we are not together. I guess I'm a woman, finally. We didn't do it on my bed, I guess I tried to save that for you. It wasn't planned at all and thankfully he had protection on him, maybe it's a guy thing, but he was definitely prepared. It was new. It was a bit painful, but mostly good. I guess it get's better, I mean if we were to do that again. He asked to be my boyfriend, of course before anything happened, but I told him I would think about it. I wish you were here to give me advice. I know sex would make things complicated, but it wasn't like I was forced to do it. We just connected, I guess.

I miss you so much, Bennie and I need you. I need my best friend so much right now, it's crazy. I hope it gets better. I wish you were here so I could tell you everything I'm going through, but all I have are these letters. I guess I can't help but end these letters on a sad note.

Until we meet again,

Roxie

********************************************

I awoke and was sore; extremely sore. I sat up and stretched. I had a few minutes to get ready before I missed the bus.

I stood and dressed in sweats and a hoodie; nothing underneath. I felt lazy.

I quickly brushed my hair, teeth and washed my face as last night's events slapped me in my face. I looked at my phone and saw that I had a few texts from Darian. 

He sounded worried so I texted him a good morning text. He texted back with a kissing emoji and I returned it. I guess he was nervous since I forgot to call him last night. After that letter, I needed to rest.

I ran toward the door, kissing my mom on her cheek and rushing to the bus stop.

I was surprised by the loud truck outside and a smiling friend waiting on me.

"Ricky?"

"Good morning," he stepped out of the truck and walked to me. "Morning?" I looked confused and he smiled. "I texted you, I thought you saw it. I'm bringing you to school, if you don't mind." "You texted?" I asked, looking at my phone and I noticed he did. "Sorry, I didn't see it," I sighed, "sure. That's fine."

"It's cool," he opened my door and I felt guilty. I know Darian and I were not inclusive, but I knew he would be a little upset and jealous, but Ricky and I were just friends.

"How have you been?" he asked and I shrugged. "Good, I guess." "That's good, I guess," he looked concerned. "I haven't had another panic attack, if that's what you're wondering." "It was, I'm glad, but if you wanted to get ice cream again, I'm up for it."

"I--Ricky, I'm seeing someone." "I know," he looked at me, "we are just friends." "We are, right?" "Of course, unless I'm missing something." "Good, because I don't want any confusion between us." "It was just a poem, Roxie. I'm not in love with your or something." "Are you sure," I dramatically flipped my hair, "I mean I am irresistible."

"I mean you're gorgeous, any guy would be lucky to have you, but we're just friends." "Good," I smiled as he parked and helped me out.

"Besides, I was wondering if you could give me advice." "Oh, really?" I asked and he nodded. "At the party, a girl asked me out for this weekend." "And who might that be?" I asked, as we walked inside, he opening the door for me. "Jessica."

I stopped and looked at him. "You have got to be fucking with me."

"What's wrong? She seemed nice." "She is the devil's spawn. My bully and Bennie's bully." "Oh shit," he looked a little hurt and I bit my lip. "I mean she apologized so she may have changed. I don't think you should just shut her down." "Are you sure? I mean our friendship matters to me." "Thank you, but I'm sure. People change," I sighed, "maybe she's not as bitchy as I think she is."

"So, you don't mind me dating her?" "Why would I mind?" I asked, confused. "Because you're obviously in love with me."

"God, you're such a loser," I smiled as I playfully hit him.

Bennie, you would like him.

Bennie, if only you held on a bit longer, things would have gotten so much better.

I looked down at my phone and noticed I had text.

My heart dropped when I saw the number. It was Misty; Bennie's mom.

She wanted to see me. She wanted me come over for dinner, since I couldn't make for his birthday.

"Are you ok?" Ricky turned to me and I nodded. "Yeah, I'll catch up with you later."

Once again, reality was slapped back in my face.

You're dead. You're fucking dead, Bennie.