Me Without You

Chapter 46

"You have a lot of fucking nerve," I folded my arms. "Yeah, says the girl flirting with that creepy ass bartender. Come on, you could do better." "And do you mean by you?" I asked, "please."

"Please?" he chuckled, "I was the love of your life, remember that." "Exactly, was," I brushed past him. "Come on," he grabbed my arm, "dance with me. Please."

"Fine," I pulled my arm and we walked to the dance floor as a slow song began playing.

"You look beautiful." "Thank you," I looked at him, "you look nice too." "Thank you," he smiled and I felt my heart began to beat. God, I forgot how beautiful he was.

His hair was shaved on the sides, but still pretty long and pinned in a lower pony tail. He grew his out fully and I wanted nothing more than to pass my fingers through them. "How have you been?" he asked, as his left hand went to my waist and I placed my left hand in his right.

"Good," I kept my reply short, but he pulled me closer and I felt my breath catch. "Good?" he questioned, "I heard you were interning at some new writing agency." "Keeping tabs on me?" I asked and he shrugged. "Maybe," he dipped me and I bit my lip. "Me and Ricky kept in contact." "Wow, how rich," I rolled my eyes, "you two became friends."

"Well, we almost killed each other first. He told me about the little senior skip hook up," he started, "but I forgave him and he told me everything you were doing. Since you were too busy ignoring me." "I was not," I paused and lowered my tone," I was not ignoring you. You stopped responding." "Now we both know that is a lie." 

"And besides you had a girlfriend," I licked my lips, "you moved on. You didn't need me anymore." "You told me to move on." "So, now it's my fault." "Nothing is...what are you talking about? I'm not blaming you for anything. You and I both agreed to break up." "I know," I paused, "I know, didn't mean I wanted us to. You chose to go to Korea and move on." 

"So, it's my fault then?" he asked, "gosh, I forgot how hypocritical you could be." "Now I'm a hypocrite," I pulled away and he let me go. "You know what, you moved on really fast to say I was the love of your life. What, it took you two months." "It wasn't that simple, I needed to move on."

"To have sex?" I asked and he looked around. "Let's not do this here. Come on," he grabbed my hand and we walked outside.

"No," I pulled away once we were far away for people to hear us.

"You can't do that anymore," I stopped him, "guilt me into opening up. You moved on and so did I." "Did you?" he asked, "because from Ricky's point of view; it was random hookups." "Doesn't matter. It's easier that way, no attachments."

"That's not healthy, Roxie." "Says the guy that rushed to hook up with the first girl he saw, rich," I copied his movements and he rubbed his head. "Can we not do this." "No, this has been boiling way too much to cover up. You broke my heart asshole," I yelled, no longer caring if people saw me.

"You ripped it out of my chest and I hated you for that. That was why I stopped calling and when I stopped calling, you stopped trying. I didn't matter enough to you. You kept in contact with Ricky but didn't try with me. And then you come here, all suave and shit, for what?" "I wanted to see you, Roxie."

"There's no reason for you to be here. You stopped being important to me the moment you broke my heart." 

"Roxie," he tried to stop me, but I wiped my face. "I really don't want to talk to you, right now."

"Fine," he cleared his throat, "I'm sorry for putting you through that, but I have to say my peace as well." "Go ahead," I folded my arms, "you have my undivided attention." "You broke my heart, too. I loved you and you stopped answering me. You said we could be friends, because I needed you. You were always there for me when times got dark and they were really dark without you. I don't know if Tae told you, but I took a semester off and came back to the US. I went to California, but I saw you and you were with friends."

"What?" I asked. "Yeah, some girls and a guy and you looked happy so I didn't want to bother you. It broke me that you didn't need me anymore."

"That's not true," I paused, "I never stopped needing you. I may have hated you, but you were the love of my life." "You never stopped being mine."

"Darian."

He walked toward me and grabbed my face; kissing me passionately. I held onto his face and deepened the kiss. It was like that sad night all those years ago; we were lost in the moment and I didn't care who was around. I just wanted to be in his embrace, but then reality slapped me in the face.

This changed nothing.

This changed absolutely nothing and it broke my heart all over again, because when this night was over and I was back on that airplane he was going back to Korea once again.

"We can't do this," I pulled away and he stared at me. "No," he stopped me, "we tried not being together and we were miserable. We were ruining other people because we weren't happy without each other. I can't do this life without you, Roxie."

"Darian," I held his face, "after tomorrow I'm going back to California and you're eventually going back to Korea to finish your degree. We can't do this to ourselves." "I can't do this without you, Roxie. I can't let you go again," he shook his head, "I love you."

"I love you, too," I closed my eyes and he kissed me again. "But sometimes love isn't enough. I'm sorry," I let him go and turned around, running back inside the reception hall.

What was I doing?

Ruining my happiness, Bennie, because I was terrified at breaking my heart again.

I couldn't do that to myself again.

Maybe not ever.