Me Without You

Chapter 30

New York was beautiful, Bennie. You would have loved it!

Q showed us around and everywhere we went, we shared a moment of silence for you.

It was sad and yet beautiful; something we all needed for closure and it hurt so bad. We felt you in every moment and within every place; your aura was deafening.

It was beautiful and eerie at the same time.

"How is it?" I heard my mom speak after a while. "It's sad," I started, "but beautiful."

"Good, maybe this is good that you're doing this," she said, "well. I'll talk to you tomorrow before you fly out. I love you, honey," she said and I smiled. "Bye mom. Love you," I hung up and returned to the group.

Ricky was on the phone with his dad and then Jessica as I contemplated on calling Darian. It was about ten at night here, we spent the entire day touring around; I had no clue what time it was in South Korea. 

I pulled out my phone again and googled the time; it was almost twelve in the afternoon. I bit my lip and decided against it; waiting until we were back in the hotel. We shared a few texts, but he was probably busy with his family and I didn't want to distract him with my sad trip.

"This was nice," Q spoke up, "how long have you known Bennie?" he turned to Ricky.

"I'm just here for moral support, but from the sounds of it, he sounded really cool." "Oh," he paused, "that's really cool of you. You guys are cute; I remember Bennie telling me he was trying to find someone for you. I'm sure he's happy in Heaven," he smiled and we laughed.

"We're not together. I have a boyfriend." "I have a girlfriend," Ricky added and he stared at us. "But you're here together, sharing one room? I must be missing something or you have really secure ass relationships," he chuckled and we stared at each other.

"They understand and it's for the best. We're both grieving in our own way. I lost my mom a few months back," Ricky explained, "we just get each other." "Good," Q paused, "because friendships are important especially during a time like this. I don't know how I'll get over this," he began to tear up.

"You have us," Ricky patted his back and I walked closer to him. "You have us, I'm here," I added; wrapping my arms around him.

"Thank you," he began to cry, "I just wish I told him I loved him, before he left. If I had a chance to go back in time, I would have told him how I felt when I had the chance to. To tell him there's no other man I wanted and that I would wait as long as I could until he understood himself. I would have told him how deeply and madly in love I was with him."

"I know," I paused, "I'm sure he knew." "I hope so," he pulled back and wiped his eyes.

"I'll need you, Roxie," he paused, "we'll need each other to get over this. I hope to get a few days off from work. I want to see him." "I can bring you," I wiped his face and pulled out my phone. "What's your number. We can talk everyday. Pick the day and I will go with you."

"God, you're awesome too. I see why he was so obsessed with you. I guess this is goodbye for now. I hope to see you both soon," he smiled and waved at us as we flagged down a taxi.

Tomorrow we would be back home and with our family.

I had no clue if Q had anyone. I didn't know much about him, but I knew he needed me, almost as much as I needed him. We were both grieving over someone that left us way too soon and someone we both loved, endlessly.

His words stayed with me and after we got out of the taxi; I told Ricky to go up while I had an important phone call to make.

I knew it was pointless, but I had to hear his voice before the night ended and even though I knew there would be no response; there was confession begging to be released.

"Yo," I smiled at the sound of his voice, "you have reached my voicemail, I may or may not call back. Unless you're Roxie, then hey boo! Leave your info and I'll check it later," I waited until I heard the familiar beep and sighed.

"Hey, Bennie," I started, "I know you'll never get this or respond or hear me, but I have to say something. I love you. I love you so fucking much and I won't ever stop loving you. Thank you for this amazing gift and for being the bestest friend a girl could ask for. I know one day I'll be strong enough to think of you without tears, but as of now I am content with my situation. Your boyfriend is so cute and nice; I see what you saw in him. He misses you too," I paused; knowing time was running out.

"I'll see you later in life, buddy. Just know, I'll never forget you. I love you, Benjamin."

I heard the familiar ending beep and hung up as tears filled my eyes. I stared at the contact information and smiled at the picture I chose for him.

I placed the phone back to my ear and waited; as my tears continued to flow.

"Hey," I heard his familiar voice. "I know you're probably busy," I sniffled. "Woah, what's wrong?" he sounded alarmed, "are you alright?"

"Yeah," I looked around, "it's just been a long day. Probably one of the best long days ever and I'm just feeling emotional," I paused, "but something has been bugging me lately." "What is it?" he asked, "are you sure you're fine."

"Yeah," I paused, "someone just said something and I realized what he said was true." "He?" he asked. "I met Q, Bennie's boyfriend," I explained, "he had no clue about Bennie. He's so alone here, Darian; my heart is broken for him."

"'I'm so sorry," he grew quiet, "I wish I was there for you."

 "I know, me too," I rubbed my arms, "but that's not why I called you." "Oh?" he shifted around and I heard people talking in the background.

He said something in Korean and then I heard silence. "Sorry about that, I had to escape to my room. What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing is wrong."

"It doesn't sound like nothing is wrong. You're crying."

"I just..." I took a deep and shaky breath, "I want you to know something." "And that is?" he asked.

"I love you."

"Really, Roxie?" he shuffled around some more, "you say this when I half way across the world." "I know, are you mad at me?" "No, why would I be mad at you. I just wish I could see you and kiss you. I want to hold you when you say it. I miss you." 

"I miss you too. I love you so much, Darian," I paused, "and I needed to say that before anything happens." "I'll be home tomorrow, I need to see you, alright."

"Understood."