Me Without You

Chapter 12

Dear Bennie,

I had a panic attack tonight. I was alone in Mindy's bathroom and I couldn't get your face out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried. I think of your smile everyday, the way your eyes crinkled and the brightness of your teeth. You always had a perfect smile and it seems that's all I remember about you. I wasn't alone, thankfully. I had a friend, his name is Ricky. He's pretty cool and didn't think I was weird or anything (he's the guy that wrote a poem about me). We went for ice cream afterwards, and I thought of you. He's kind of like you, so easy to talk to, especially since he went through what I'm going through now. He lost his mom a few months ago, and he and his father had to move very far away. He's really nice and he makes the pain seem a bit more bearing.

I don't know what I'll do if that happens again. It felt as if my chest were caving in, besides writing letters to you, I don't know how else I can cope with your death. Your death. That seems so wrong to write, but it's the truth now. You're dead.

You're dead, Bennie.

R

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I wrapped my hair in the towel and wiped the mist from the shower. Sighing, I quickly dressed and combed my hair. With my mood, I decided on black jeans and a crop top, showing some skin would be nice, I thought. 

I pulled out my cell and saw that Darian texted me. I called him instead and waited for him to answer, thinking of different activities we could get into.

"Good morning," he sounded airy and I blushed. "Morning. What are you doing?" I asked, picking out boots and walking downstairs. My mom was rushing for work, as usual and waved at me before leaving, I waved back.

"Nothing, wondering why you keep ignoring me." "I'm not ignoring you, I am the one that just called," I chuckled and he sighed. "When can I see you again?" he asked and I looked around. "Well, my mom just left and I think the weather is not going to allow us out today," I stared at the dark sky and the pouring rain. "Is that an invite?" he asked and I bit my lip. 

The only boy I had in my home alone was Bennie. I quickly dismissed that thought from my mind, I had to move on.

"It is."

We hung up and I rushed to the kitchen, popping some popcorn and placing some waters in the freezer to cool down. I grew nervous and ran to the bathroom, fixing my hair and applying some lip gloss. I didn't wear makeup, so I to improvise.

"You're worrying too much," I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath.

I rushed back to the living room and put Netflix on, we were only going to watch Netflix and relax. Netflix and chill, I suddenly dreaded the invite, did he think something was going to happen? I hope not, because I was nowhere near ready for anything, especially since we just started to get to know each other.

I sat down and began biting my nails, my heart dropping when I heard a timid knock.

I opened the door and my God, I had to keep my mouth closed.

"Hey," he smiled at me, "can I come in?" "Sure," I opened the door and let him, inhaling his sweet cologne. I closed the door and we walked to the front room.

"So, Netflix?" he questioned and I nodded. "Maybe some horror movies?" I suggested, "I have popcorn, water and some candy." "Sure," he plopped on the couch and I relaxed.

Of course sex wasn't on his mind. It wasn't on every boy's mind, Roxie.

"So, you're mom's at work?" he asked as I scrolled through the suggestions, nodding at his answer. "Yeah, she works a lot." "So, will I meet her?" he asked. "You want to meet her?" I asked and he turned to me. "Why wouldn't I want to meet my girlfriend's mom?" he looked genuinely confused.

"Girlfriend?" I sputtered, and he turned beet red. "I-I just assumed, I mean." "No, no," I shook my head and we stopped trying to interrupt each other. "You first," I blushed and he sat up and grabbed my hands.

"I guess I never really asked you formally," he then blushed and I smiled. "Ask me?" I questioned and he nodded. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked and I bit my lip. "I've never had a boyfriend before, can I think about it?" I asked and he looked a little hurt. "Is there someone else?" he asked. "No, of course not. I'm shocked you like me enough," I stopped him, "it's just this is still new to me and I want to make sure that I am ready."

"I completely understand," he touched my leg and I grew nervous. "As long as I can keep kissing you," he leaned closer and I raised my hand to stop him. "Aren't we supposed to be watching a movie?" I asked and he nodded. "Alright, but you said scary?" he grabbed the remote and I smiled.

We watched two horror movies and a rom-com, finishing the popcorn and he was laying so close to me. It was nerve-wracking at first but then I got really comfortable.

"Roxie?" he questioned and I replied with a simple, "Hmm?" "I really like you," he sat up and I followed suit as we turned to each other. "I really like you, too." "Good, I have dated before, but I'm tired of getting my heart broken." "I don't want that either," I bit my lip and he sighed.

"I think I should tell you everything you need to know before answering my question." "What do you mean?" I asked. "I never told you why I'm going to therapy." "You don't have to, if you're not ready," I stopped him but he shook his head. "If we move on and you decide to be my girlfriend, there are things you should know." "Are you sure?" I asked, "if it hurts too much, you can stop."

"Thank you," he smiled at me and I felt my heart warm up. He had such a gorgeous smile.

"A year ago, actually a year ago in a week, there was an accident. I had a girlfriend, I really cared about her. Maybe even loved her, and I thought she loved me, too. We had been dating strong for a while, we shared everything and I thought life was amazing." He paused and I let him. I had no clue where this was going.

"I found out she was cheating on me, with my best friend. They had been sleeping with each other behind my back. I had suspicion, and when I confronted her she told me. I was broken, Roxie. I gave her everything and she broke me. I didn't think I would see love the same again. I began to drink, heavily. My parents are never home, they're too busy to talk to, so I hid my pain until I couldn't hide it anymore. One night I drank so heavily and I did drugs, and I got behind the wheel of my car." "No," I mumbled and he looked at me, with tears in his eyes.

"I didn't think about my actions," he closed his eyes. "I didn't care about anyone, I just wanted the pain to end. I drove that night and I hit a car." "Darian, you don't have to continue." "She was five," he began to cry, "she would be six in a week, but I didn't let her leave to see it." 

"I killed her," he nodded, "my recklessness killed her." "Did you get charged?" I asked and watched him. "No, what saved my ass was that her parent's had her buckled up, poorly. They survived, but I should have gone to jail. Rot in jail forever. I was so ridden with guilt, I couldn't do anything. I kept having these nightmares of her face. Her body just lying there, lifeless. I killed her, Roxie."

He broke down and I held him. My pain was nothing compared to his. "I go to therapy to not just get rid of this guilt, it's to open myself again. I shut everyone out. My parents, my brothers, my friends, they all just became obsolete to me. I didn't care about anyone, I wanted to die so I stopped eating and drinking, I didn't care."

I held onto him as tight as I could to make him feel better. I felt bad for him, the weight of that guilt. I also felt bad that I started to see him in a different light. I hated drunk drivers, they were selfish and evil, but now that I was with him; I couldn't imagine the pain he was in to do that. How broken he felt to not care. It didn't excuse his actions, and I was sure he knew that, but it did give me perspective.

The fact that he trusted me enough to open up, it made me feel happy. I did like him, a lot and right now he needed to know that.

I lifted his face and we started at each other.

I grabbed his face, and kissed him.

"Roxie," he pulled back and I didn't think, I just reacted.

Was losing my virginity to this broken man a smart idea? Most definitely not, but I didn't let my mind cloud my judgement. I wanted this and that was all that mattered.

Bennie.

I guess I'm a woman now.