Me Without You

Chapter 5

You were my confidence.

"Roxie?" my hair dresser looked almost as surprised as I was to see me. "Hey, Carol," I smiled and she placed her hands on her hips. "How long has it been?" she asked and I shrugged. "A while," I smiled and she opened her arms and I hugged her. It felt...much needed.

"So, how have you been?" she asked, brushing my hair back and placing her hands on my shoulders. "I have no clue on how to answer that," I bit my lip, "but I think it's getting better." "I see, so what're we doing new?" she asked, "green, blue? Orange?" she asked and I shook my head. "I want it black and short. Like really short," I turned to her, "a new beginning." "Wow," she held my hair up, "are you sure you want to cut all your hair?" she looked shocked and I nodded. "It's just hair, it'll grow back." 

"Ok, I think I have the perfect style."

It took about an hour or two, but I was lost in my head. The hair washing segment was my favorite, it felt amazing. When was the last time I actually washed my hair. I missed this. The last time I was here, Bennie and I....

I stopped thinking after that and fought my tears away. I missed him so much.

"Do you like it?" she turned me around and I slowly opened my eyes, the tears falling down. Shit. "I'm sorry, Roxie. I can fix it however you like it," she began apologizing but I stopped her. "No," I stopped her and stood, walking closer to the mirror and smiled. "It's perfect, Carol. Thank you," I turned to her and smiled. The style was an uneven bob, short in the back and longer in the front and I had side bangs. "It definitely is new," I brushed my hair behind my ear and did a few poses, "but I love it." "You do?" she looked worried and I nodded, eagerly. "Thank you so much, how much do I owe you?" I asked and she shook her head.

"Don't worry about it, it's good to have you back. I recommend coming in at least twice a month if you want to keep it up, see you soon ok," she looked at me and I smiled my response before heading to the bus stop. Perfect timing, I thought as I entered the one waiting, and I was going to make it to my appointment. Maybe even see Darian.

***********************************************************************************************

Dear Bennie

I did something new today. It was spontaneous and it made me think of the old times. I've decided to finally change my hair style. Now it isn't my natural hair color and it's really short and different, but I actually like it. Carol is still there and still magical with those fingers. It felt great to get out and I'm getting a lot of stares, it's kind of a confidence boost. Something I needed to do since you've been gone.

It still feels weird to use past tense with you, Bennie. I miss you so much it hurts. Today is a little easier than before, and I really enjoy writing letters to you. I have this weird feeling that you're reading them in Heaven. I hope you are, because I need to feel that. Bennie you were so confident in everything you did, I always envied that about you. You gave me confidence when I needed it and I will always be grateful. God, I miss you so much. I miss your voice, I miss your laugh, I miss seeing you every day. I hope you're enjoying yourself at least. Days are a blur since you've  been gone but I've been coping a bit better. I guess my therapist (yes I know I have a therapist) is right. 

Love 

Roxie

***********************************************************************************************

It was another late session and I sat at the bus stop. "Hey, you," a voice poppd up and I looked up to see Darian. "Hey, you," I felt instantly silly but smiled at him. "Nice hair, what made you change it?" "I needed to feel different, if that makes sense." "Perfect sense, I used to have dreadlocks."

"Really?" I felt my eyes widen and he laughed. "No, but your face was hilarious." "Yeah, make fun of the weird kid." "I don't think you're weird." "You're the first," I sighed, "I feel kind of hurt, it was my thing." "Well, I'm sorry," he joked and I bit my lip as the conversation grew quiet. "So, how have you been?" he asked, "with coping and all?"

"I got really drunk one time and for the love of God, couldn't remember how I got home. You?" "Nah, I have to stay away from alcohol." "AA?" I asked and he shrugged. "I guess you can say that," he stood suddenly and looked down at me. "Are you hungry?" he aske and I shrugged. "I guess I could use some food, I didn't bring any extra cash." "Don't worry about it, I got you." "You got me?" 

I stood and followed him to his car. "Nice ride," I touched it and he smiled. "Glad you like it," he opened my door and I sat in. I watched him as he crossed over and entered in the driver's seat. "I had to work almost two jobs to get this baby. My parents didn't want to buy me another one." "What happened to the other one? Accident?" I asked. "Yeah I guess you can say that," he grew quiet and I bit my tongue. Did I say something wrong?

The car ride suddenly grew quiet and awkward, so I turned to look out the window as we drove past a few places, regretting my words. I liked listening to him talk it made me feel better. "Hey," he woke me from my daze, "look what I got." I turned to find him putting a  Lana Del Ray CD and I smiled. "Who has CD's anymore?" I asked and he laughed. "I guess I am the weird one." "Hey you took my title." "It's ok, we can be weird together, if you want." "That would be nice."

I couldn't help but blush.

We decided on grabbing Subway and eating at a park, enjoying the sunset. "This is my favorite time now," he smiled, wiping his mout with napkin and I had to tear my eyes away. "You like the sunset?" I asked and he shrugged. "More of the darkness that ensues. It remindes me that dark places are not always bad, you know?" "I've never seen it that way, but that's beautiful." "I try to think of things like that," he turned to me, "people think of people like me, like you, as broken and dark but I think that's ok." "I don't like being broken, I just want to be normal sometimes." "Normalcy is boring, the broken things always makes the best treasure."

He dusted his hands on his pants and leaned in, giving me a soft peck on my lips, "It's ok to be broken sometimes, that's when you see the true beauty behind the painted mask."

God, Bennie why couldn't you be here? I finally had my first kiss and you weren't here to hear me gush about it.

I pushed away from Darian and wiped my face, standing. "I think we should go." "I am so sorry, I thought we were feeling each other or whatever," he stood and looked terrified, "I didn't mean to cross a boundary." "No, it's not you it's me. I have to get home, please."

Damn, Bennie why aren't you here? I just ruined this magical moment.

Bennie, you were my anchor to reality and now that you're gone, I feel myself slipping away in this nightmare we call life.