Me Without You

Chapter 42

"Hey," I turned to find Q walking toward me; the supplies I asked for in his hand.

"Hey," I hugged him and he pulled back, "graduation was today?" "Yep," I nodded and we turned back to the cemetery.

"We're really doing this," he looked at me, his eyes widened and I nodded. I felt my throat suddenly dry up, I couldn't talk. I had no clue how he felt; I went to Bennie's funeral. I had this whole process of grieving him, even though it was still hard it wasn't so new. Unlike how it was for Quinton.

"His parents are here," I informed him as we left the parking lot and walked to the group ahead of us.

It was Misty, Benjamin, my mom, Jacob and Ricky.

What a dysfunctional group we were.

"Be nice," I grabbed his hand, "even though I know you want to hurt them." "I do," he squeezed my hand, "I want to smack the shit out of him," he growled and I turned, stopping him. "Be nice for..." "I know, for Bennie," he sighed, "I'll try." "Thank you," I nudged him, "ready?" "No, but here we are."

We walked toward his grave site and it grew really quiet.

"Misty," I introduced them, "Benjamin; this is Quinton." "I was Bennie's boyfriend," he licked his lips and raised his head; not backing down. "Hi," Misty smiled at him, "I recognized you from the video. Thank you for coming," she patted his shoulder; awkwardly. "You raised an amazing man," he nodded, "I loved him. I still love him."

"Thank you for loving him," she replied and we turned to Benjamin.

"I'm sorry," he winced and walked toward Q; shocking us all when he grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. "I am so sorry," he sobbed into his chest and we watched as this huge man broke down. I seen him cry before; especially for Bennie's funeral, but this was the first time I saw him break down like this. It was refreshing. It was heart breaking. It was the sudden realization that once again, this was true. Bennie was gone; forever.

I grabbed Q's hand and we walked toward Bennie's grave. I sat down and dusted a few old flowers away; clearing his name and smiled. "God, I thought I would never do this again. I hated being here when they lowered him..." I felt myself get choked up.

Q lowered himself and touched my back. "Thank you for doing this," he sighed, "for allowing me to grieve with you." "We both deserve this closure," I kissed the head stone and he did the same. "I can't believe this is really happening right now," he wiped a few tears.

"This is for you, Bennie," I grabbed the Gorilla glue Q bought and outlined his graduation cap; gluing it to the top of his head stone, pushing down on it so that it stayed.

"Genius," Q placed his arm over my shoulder and we stood there for a while. I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

"I don't want to ever stop missing him," I sniffled, "I want to remember this pain forever, because that means I'll remember him forever." "Me too," he chuckled, "I remember when we first met. God, my gaydar was on a high with him and he was so shy." "He never flirted with a guy so openly before; our school was full of bullies and assholes." "Yeah, he told me. He was a sad person," he added. "I guess the saddest people do hide behind the biggest smiles," I wiped my face, "I think that's what I miss the most. His smile."

"Yeah, the ways his eyes crinkled when he smiled brightly," he nodded, "the way his top gums would show. He hated that." "Yes," I laughed and turned to Q. "Thank you for loving him, I'm glad he experienced that before he left." "Thank you for loving him, too. It must have been painful to love someone like that."

"Yeah," I shrugged, "I guess I was pretty obvious, huh." "It was why we actually broke up," he cleared his throat, "he never said it was you, but I put two and two together when I met you. The way you were hurting, it was obvious you lost more than your best friend. He was confused and I couldn't offer him the help he needed; because I was secure in what I am. He wasn't and he didn't realize that that was fine."

"Q?" I turned back to Bennie's grave and then him. "Hmm?" he turned to me.

"Let's do this every year for his birthday? I know once I leave we may lost contact with each other, but this would be our promise for Bennie. Our first love, every year for his birthday we come here." "Promise," he nodded and sighed.

"Ready?" it was his turn to ask and I shook my head. "Almost," I knelt down and rubbed the smooth stone. It was nowhere near as comforting as Bennie's touch, but it would have to do.

"I love you, loser. I always will," I sighed, "but I have to let you go. I'll be back. I'll always be back."

I stood and Q pulled me into a hug. "Now," I pulled back, "now I'm ready."

***************************

"Sorry, we're late," I apologized as Ricky and I sat down.

"Hello," Bria smiled at us, as Mindy beamed. She was gorgeous. 

"Hi, Bria, right?" I asked and she nodded. "I'm Roxanne, but you can call me Roxie." "I'm Ricardo, please call me Ricky."

"Guys!" Jess screamed, "this is pretty much our last night seeing each other. We're being shipped over the damn United States in a few days." "Jess, you're going to NYU, that's literally a few hours away," Mindy joked and we laughed.

"Yeah, but pretty boy is going back to the south and Miss Korea is going to California." "Yeah, but we can still be friends."

"Are we going to be though?" Jess asked, "I mean we'll be busy. Especially nerds here; I mean MIT and Harvard. Are you guys going to survive your relationship." "Ok, I'm going to guess someone started drinking already," Ricky joked and she smiled.

"I mean someone had to," she shrugged and winked. "Yep, she's definitely drunk. That's the only time Jessica is ever emotional," Mindy explained to Bria.

"Well, let's enjoy this night," Ricky turned to me, "this may be our last night together. We have to get lit."

"There's a party at one of my cousin's house later tonight. We can crash," Mindy suggested. "I'm down," Jess began to dance in her chair. "Me too," Bria blushed and they shared a quick kiss. "I'm in," Ricky added as they turned to me.

They were right. Blame it on nostalgia.

Or maybe I was done with the emotional roller coaster that was today.

Either way I found myself nodding and agreeing to have the night of my life.

And it wasn't for anyone.

Not my mom, grandma, Ricky, Darian or Q.

Not even Bennie.

Tonight was for Roxanne Lands; and boy was it much needed.