Me Without You

Chapter 4:

You were my light

"These are amazing." my therapist looked through my letters, "have they helped?" I looked at her and then away. "A little, I can write his name now." "That is amazing, Roxie."

 I smiled at little when she used my nickname and she tapped my shoulder. "You're doing so much better, I was a bit worried when you didn't come in yesterday, but I have faith in you. "That's good I think you're the only one," I sighed. 

"What do you mean by that? You can open up with me, I'm here for you." "I know that, you're my therapist, my mom is paying you to make sure I don't go off the deep end," I chuckled at my sick joke and she licked her lips and began writing.

My mom is worried about me and I don't blame her. I got drunk last night, like really drunk. I don't even remember how I got home. All I do is stay home and write these letters as if Bennie..." I stopped and choked on my tears. His name slipped my mouth and I placed my hand over my mouth as if it would reverse time and stop me from speaking. 

Roxie, it's alright to say his name. Please continue." She began writing, frantically and I nodded. "I'm writing these letters as if Bennie is going to read them. It's sad and pathetic." "Does writing make you feel better?" she asked and I shrugged. "It feels good sometimes to think of him. I miss him a lot." "I know you do, he seemed like an amazing person. I'm sorry, fucking amazing," she smiled at me and I returned it.

"I think you should continue writing it seems to be helping and maybe you should join a club, a writing club or something." "A writing club?" I questioned and she nodded. "These letters are deep and beautiful, they're so raw and understanding. You are an exceptional writer." "Thank you," I felt my cheeks redden and she patted my shoulder. "I am so proud of you, it seems like you won't be needing me soon," she stood, "and look at how fast our time went by."

I turned to read the clock and smiled. Our sessions used to drag and now I felt as if it passed in such a blur.

I stood and smiled as I turned to the door.

 "Hey you're back," I looked up at the stranger from last time. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"I didn't get a chance to introduce myself," he stuck his hand out, "the name is Darian." "Hi, names Roxie." "Roxie?" he asked, making a face and I nodded. "Better than Roxanne," I explained and he nodded. "So, are you done with your session?" he asked and I nodded. "Is that any of your business?" I folded my arms, looking at him oddly. "Sassy," he smiled, "hey I'm just doing what my therapist wanted, I'm trying to make friends." "That's cool, how is it going?" I asked as we both walked to the bus stop. "Eh, you're being kind of rude, but I like it."

"You're strange," I sat down and he copied my movements. "Says the girl with the purple hair," he joked and I couldn't help laughing. "So what are you in for?" he pointed at the building and I bit my lip. "I lost my best friend and went off the deep end," I said quickly and we grew quiet.

"I'm sorry, how if you don't mind me asking?" he adjusted his bag and I sighed, rubbing my hands against my legs. "Suicide." "Damn." "Yeah," I brushed my hair back and wiped the tears from my eyes. "How are you coping?" he asked and I shrugged. "My therapist has me writing letters," I bit my lip. "That sounds cool, are you any good at writing?"

"She thinks I am, I don't know." "I bet you are; I would like to hear your words one day."
My words?" I asked, "that's a strange way to word that." "Hey, I'm strange remember."

He stood and turned back to me. "I hope to see you tomorrow," he waved and left to his car.

I bit my lip and smiled. He was strange. A nice stranger and it felt...refreshing.

I got home and was surprised to find my mom there.

"Hey?" I questioned her appearance and she smiled. "How was it?" she asked and I looked at her. "How was what?" I asked and she rolled her eyes. "Your session." "It was good, surprisingly. What is that delicious smell?" I turned around to find pots on the stove. "Are you cooking?" I asked and she nodded.

"I got off early and decided to surprise you with dinner. I know," she opened one and I saw that it was spaghetti. "I love your spaghetti, thanks mom," I hugged her. "Good, now go wash up and hurry it's almost done and I am starving."

 I rushed to the bathroom and quickly undressed, rushing through my shower and sighed. Darian.

 He randomly popped in my head. It was nice talking to someone and someone that seemed to need professional help as well was a bonus. I realized I forgot to ask him about his reason for a therapist. Maybe next time.

 I suddenly felt excited. When was the last time I felt excited about tomorrow?

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Dear Bennie,

 You were my light. You were my everlasting light in this dim world. Where the tunnel darkened, there you were always; my knight in shining armor. I realize now I have taken you and your friendship for granted. I always assumed you would be there for me, brightening my mood and running my dark moments away. I miss you dearly my friend. Today I met someone. He seemed pretty nice. Well for now anyway, his name is Darian and I'm pretty sure you would think he is cute. He's ok, I guess. It was strange in therapy today, I said your name and although it hurt, it felt good. I don't want to keep treating you like a bad memory, you were my light for fuck's sake. You were my brother and my best friend, you were my other half in the strict platonic sort of way, haha. Did I just really write out (haha), gosh I'm such a loser. I finally see some light and maybe it's time that I start healing.

Until we meet again my love,

Roxie

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"Roxie?" my mom peeked through my room and I turned to look at her. "Yes?" I asked and she bit her lip. "You mind if I come in?" she asked and I nodded. Not at all, come in," I patted a spot beside my bed.

"So, you were pretty quiet during dinner. I just wanted to check up on you," she patted my leg and I smiled at her. "I'm good. I met a guy today. He goes to the office where my therapy sessions are." "Oh really!" she seemed excited, "is he cute?" "Mom!" I shrieked, but laughed and she rolled her eyes. "That's not answering my question, love." "I guess," I shrugged, "I didn't really notice." "Well, did you at least get his name?" she asked. "Darian," I answered and she smiled. "Does he seem nice?" she asked and I shrugged.

"I don't know; he seems pretty genuine. I never got a chance to ask why he's in there though." "You told him why you're there?" she looked at me, confused and I nodded. "I mean he asked and I just told him." "Wow, I'm surprised you were that comfortable around him." "I know, now that I think about it, that was strange of me."

"Well, I let you get some sleep. Are you going to school tomorrow?" she asked and I nodded. "It's Thursday tomorrow so I only have two days left of hell." I know, love," she stood and kissed my forehead, "see you in the morning. I might have breakfast ready."

"Are you sick? Pregnant? Seeing someone?" I asked and she laughed. "No, honey. Goodnight," she closed my door and I shook my head. She was definitely hiding something.

I lied down and looked at my ceiling. Darian. I wondered why he was there, he seemed pretty sane. I mean I obviously didn't look normal, I thought playing with a strand of my purple hair. I really needed to change my hair. Maybe a different color, but definitely something bold. It was time for a change. Maybe life had some meaning left.

Bennie you were so forgiving.