Me Without You

Chapter 25

"I wish you would have told me," he sighed and I took him off of speaker and placed the phone on my shoulder.

"I know," I replied, "I'm sorry." "It's alright," he paused, "I understand. I just wish I would have known. Are you taking Ricky?" he asked, his voice becoming a whisper.

"Well, are you available?" I asked and he groaned. "No, we're going to be visiting my grandparents, it's my halemoni's birthday. I was hoping to spend your birthday together the day before, and maybe ending it with a mini sleepover." "A sleep over?" I asked, growing curious.

"My parents are leaving Tuesday, to get a head start. They don't want us to miss too much school. Well, Mai is going with them. She's been acting out, she loves our grandparents." "Oh, I'm sorry. So, it's just the boys?" "Yeah, I think Mindy is coming over too. She and Tae have been getting closer," he chuckled, "please come. I cannot be alone here with them." "I can try, my mom is working the night before my birthday, so I can definitely come." 

"Or I can go to you." "I like that," I bit my lip.

"How did she take the news?" "She was sad, but she understands if I go. We are going to spending a lot of time when I come back. She couldn't get anymore days off."

"I don't want you to choose Ricky, but I really don't want you alone." "I know," I rubbed my arms, "but you can trust us." "I know, just blame past experiences," he sighed on the phone, "well, I have a exam early in the morning. Good night."

"Good night," I paused and he chuckled. "I love you," he said after a while and I felt my face flush. "Thank you," I blew kisses on the phone as we hung up.

"You guys are too cute," Ricky appeared, saving his books. "Done blowing up my bathroom?" I asked and he laughed.

"Hey, what are friends for?" he plopped besides me. "I guess we're going to New York in a week?" he asked and I lied beside him. "I guess so, thanks for coming," I turned to him.

"No problem, Roxie. Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked. "I talked to my therapist. She's encouraging it. She thinks it'll bring closure. I hope so," I covered my face and he grabbed my hands. "Well then, let's do it." "Are you spending the night or leaving? My mom wouldn't mind."

He paused and looked at me, "I shouldn't. From the sound of it, Darian isn't too fond of me." "He knows we're just friends..." I started but he interrupted me, standing. "Yeah, and Jessica isn't either. I don't want to start any drama. See you at school tomorrow, I'll be here bright and early so we can finish studying." 

"I guess," I pouted and walked him outside. "It's going to be alright, I'm only a phone call away," he wrapped his arms around me and we hugged each other. "Good night, loser," I ruffled his hair as he grabbed my hands.

"Loser? Me; never!" he tried to act macho, but looked even nerdier; if possible.

After he left, I went back in my room and grabbed Bennie's gift. I eyed the plane tickets and saved them, grabbing the notebook.

I was on Day 10 now, and he continued to explain how he was nervous about his huge coming out day and I was nervous. I couldn't wait to find out who that stranger was in the first page.

I opened it and started to read:

DAY 10:

I guess I've had you wait long enough. I found someone.

I want to tell you so bad, but I am afraid. You are my best friend, but I couldn't be completely honest, because I know how you feel...about me.

I know you're in love with me, Roxie and I hate that this has caused a small riff in our friendship. I love you, but not the way you love me. I know I tell you, it's ok and what not; but honestly I used to think maybe it would have been better for me to be in love with you. To love you the way you love me, and it wouldn't be as terrifying to love a white girl. My parents adore you and I am sure they believe we're probably experimenting since we're so close. 

I used to think that being gay was probably the worst thing I could ever do; ever experience. 

I used to believe it was God punishing me for some reason that I would learn later on in life. I used to hate being the way that I am, but something has changed.

God, writing this is like screaming so loud in my head; this is really...personal. I don't know how you do it and so easily. This is honestly nerve wrecking and you haven't even received it.

I met someone and he is really freaking nice. He is cute and black and really gay and proud. We met while I was waiting for you at the mall; almost a month ago. It was actually his idea to do this when I explained how badly I want you to meet.

I almost told you today about him, when you caught me smiling and singing, but I chickened out because I am scared at how you'll receive me moving on in life. I care about your opinion, Roxie rather if you believe it or not. You are the number one person in my life and dating has made me this scared person. I am afraid to open up my heart to someone that isn't you, because you are the only person I trust when I am vulnerable and defenseless.

But he is different, I believe. I believe him when he says he cares about me and when we touch.

 We haven't gone the next step, yet because everything is so new to me now. But soon, you'll meet him and I hope you like him as much as I do.

Sorry for keeping this secret, but I swear he is my Prince Charming.

And I need that now.

Bennie

**********************************

I took a deep breath and sat up, closing the notebook temporarily. 

He loved me. He loved me a lot and although in my heart I knew he was conflicted because of his sexuality; it hurt like hell reading that. I did love him, and I had hope that he would change for me and I knew it was selfish, I couldn't help it. He was the only person that I allowed so deeply in my heart and his choice of exit has damaged it beyond repair.

I found myself getting up and going to my desk; opening my own notebook.

Dear Bennie,

It's like I don't even know who you are, anymore. I received your gift and I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I called you my best friend and yet with every page I turn, reading your words you become more of a stranger to me.

I didn't you were hurting bad enough to kill yourself. I didn't know you were dating anyone. I didn't know you knew how madly in love I was with you. I didn't know and now learning this has somewhat tainted the false narrative in my head about our relationship.

No matter how weird we were, I always thought we were always so open with each other and that's why I always thought we would be together forever; rather platonic or not. I guess I cannot be angry with you because I had secrets too.

I loved you, with every fiber in my being and I was naive to believe you loved me the same. I wanted to be yours and only yours and for you to be mine. As I pour my heart now, I know it is too late and I should have confessed sooner, because even though I know you would have never chosen me, you would have heard me. You would have known. 

Maybe this is why I am hurting and not healing, because I feel as though we have unfinished business. From the moment we met, to that sacred moment of our lips meeting, I thought you were the one for me. I didn't see it as you trying to branch away from your authentic self, because I was stupid and selfish. I wanted you.

I want you. I need you back, Bennie and I have to come to the sad and inevitable truth that that's never going to happen.

R