Me Without You

Chapter 11

I'm at a party, and although it's a joyous occasion I can't help but think of you.

"Roxie!" I saw Mindy run to me and I tensed. "Glad to see you made it and brought a date?" she turned to Ricky and we shook our heads.

"Not a date," I answered first, "we're just friends." "Yep, just friends. I'm Ricardo, but you can call me Ricky." "Nice to meet you, Ricky." "I'm a new student and Roxie told me this is a mixer I guess," he looked around and she nodded.

"Yeah, it was supposed to be a small party, but once word got out about a party on a Saturday night without parental supervision, well you get this." "Yeah," I looked around. I recognized some people.

"Well have fun, there's snacks and drinks, alcoholic and non in the fridge, help yourself," she turned to talk to other people and I looked at Ricky. "Maybe this is a mistake," I shook my head, I grew nervous. "Why?" he looked at everyone having fun.

"I don't do this, Ricky. This isn't me." "Well, it's not too late to change, right?" he grabbed my hand and pulled me where everyone was dancing.

"No," I shook my head, "I don't dance." "Neither do I, but I'll do it if you do." "Fine," I shook my head and I looked around.

People were just rocking with each other, swaying to the slow tempo song. It wasn't a slow dance, but it wasn't upbeat as well. I felt awkward, but Ricky wrapped his arms around me and we began to sway to the beat. This felt so bad, I shook my head and looked up at his goofy smile and returned it.

Maybe it wasn't that bad.

The song died down and then a fast song played next and we began to jump around.

I felt all my nerves leave my body and I began laughing as he tried to incorporate the robot dance. I joined in and a few people around us tagged in. This was fun and I couldn't remember the last time I had so much fun.

"Bathroom," I pulled him closer and whispered in his ear, he nodded and began dancing with the others. I walked away and around the huge house, looking for the closest bathroom. I passed up couples that were making out and I had to fight my gag.

I looked at my phone and saw that Darian texted again, asking if the party was over and I replied with a simple no and that I was free tomorrow. We had another date, and I smiled.

I opened the bathroom door and was face to face with Jessica; just great.

"You look pretty, Roxanne," she smiled at me and I looked at her. She was gorgeous as hell; with a tight, little dress and her face made up like a doll, I instantly felt out of place.

"Thank you, you do to Jessica," I looked around and she moved out of the way. "You can go ahead, we're both girls, right?" she questioned and I shook my head. "I'll just wait until you're done." "Fine," she giggled and fixed her lipstick, "before I go. Who is that hunk you're with?" she asked and I tensed. "His name is Ricardo." "Oh, a Spanish one," she bit her lip, "are you two dating?" "No," I answered and she rushed out. "Thanks, hun."

I locked the door behind her and hurried to pee.

After I was done, I washed my hands and looked at my flushed face. No, I wasn't going to let her ruin my night. I was having fun and especially with Ricky. He made me feel like I belonged and I felt like an outsider ever since....

Damn, Bennie you were always slapped in my face and sank to the floor, in a sobbing mess.

I couldn't go out now, not with his face in my mind; flashing before me every time I blinked.

I thought this was going to get better, but here I was having an anxiety attack because of his damn face. Because of his damn, gorgeous smile, I was struggling to breathe and catch onto reality.

I needed this to be over with, I thought but I felt so weak.

I ignored the knocks of girls struggling to get inside and turned the light off, I needed be alone. I'm sure Jessica sunk her claws into Ricky's back. Guys liked girls like her. I didn't know why I felt jealous suddenly, I had Darian, but I really liked Ricky; as a friend of course. She ruined Bennie for me with the bullying and now she was taking another friend from me and I was once again, powerless to stop her.

I don't know how long I had been crouched inside Mindy's bathroom, I had lost track of time until I heard another knock. It was louder and I tensed.

"Roxie?" I heard Ricky. "Go away," I answered and he knocked again. "Open the door, you're not alone." "But I feel it," I wiped my face. "I'm sorry I ruined our night," I added and he sighed.

"You didn't ruin anything, it's still going on. You may be ruining other people's night by hiding in the bathroom. There are a lot of angry girls here." I laughed and he joined in. "Open the door, we can talk."

I stood, turned on the light and looked at my reflection, my happy face replaced by one of despair and I grew ashamed.

I unlocked the door and he walked in. "Why are hiding?" he asked and I shook my head. He grabbed my hand and we walked into a nearby bedroom, closing the door and sitting on the bed.

"What's wrong?" he asked and I shrugged. "He got slapped in my face again," I began playing with my hands. "That's normal, Roxie. When my mom died I couldn't do anything." "How are you able to function, then?" I asked, "I'm tired of feeling weak." "I had to. Not just for me, but for my dad. We had to be strong, Roxie. Once I got rid of the guilt that I had anything to do with her death, it began to be a little easier." "Why did you feel guilty, she had cancer." "WE all feel guilty, it's human nature. You feel guilty in Bennie's death." "But I am," I began to cry again and he wiped my face.

"You did everything you could to save him, to remind him he was loved, I know you did." "But I didn't," I shook my head, "I left him, Ricky. Left him alone in my home after he was kicked out of his own home because he was gay. He needed me and I left him." "You have to let go of this guilt, Roxie. If you don't, then you'll never move on."

"I don't deserve to move on," I pulled away. "He killed himself, Roxie. You didn't." "Doesn't make it any easier." I sat down and he sat beside me.

"Want to go home?" he asked and I shook my head. "No, but I do wish to be alone." "I can't do that," he shook his head, "alone time is dangerous. Trust me." "I won't hurt myself," I rolled my eyes and he pulled up his sleeves.

"That's exactly what I told my dad," he showed my his scars, "for a while this was the only way I felt better. I deserved to hurt," he rolled his sleeve down, "but that's not true." "How are you so strong?" I asked and he shook his head. "I'm not strong, shit," he chuckled, "I think you're stronger than me. You acknowledge your feelings, I hid mine until I broke down." "I'm not strong," I shook my head. "But you are, Roxie. You're the strongest person I know. You lost your best friend to suicide, something you couldn't see coming. I lost my mom to cancer, I knew she had a chance of dying and I prepared myself daily. I counted every day with her as a miracle. I don't know how I would react if she killed herself."

"Thank you," I smiled at him.  "For what?" he asked.

 "For being a good friend. Can you do me a favor?" I asked and he stood. "Sure."

"Want to go get ice cream?"

I know you came to him as my angel, Bennie and that was exactly what I needed.