Me Without You

Chapter 8

You were a warrior.

"I'll be back before you notice I'm gone. Remember if the wifi starts acting crazy just reset it, the password is on the fridge. If you miss me just call, got it?" I turned and hugged Bennie. He gave me a weak hug back and I sighed. "You're being really difficult."

"I am trying, Roxie. I'm still processing that my parent's dont want me." "The'll learn and if they don't then I'm always here." "Except when you're not." "Come withe me." "I can't. I'll stay here and I'll be here when you get home." 

"Don't do anything stupid," i kissed his cheek and he shocked me when he pulled me in a tight hug. "What was that for?" I asked, as he let me go. "I'm just going to miss you.

****************************************************************************

I should have known.

I didn't see you after that. If only I knew that was our last moment together I would have said something different. I guess it's no point in lingering on the past.

Dear Bennie,

I made a friend. Her name is Mindy. She thought my letter for summer vacation was really depressing and now that I think about it, why am I allowed to go home. No one really pays attention to what anyone is saying anymore. I know that from personal experience. You would never think suicide is a real consideration until someone proves it to you. 

My paper was very dark and sad, but it was true.

You took my heart, Bennie. You broke me. Now all I do is wait. I wonder when life will be worth living again and I am growing afraid that it won't ever again.

R

********************************************************************************

"So have your letters gotten easier?" my therapist asked and I shrugged. "I guess so, I write them almost every day. I did an essay on what I did for this summer." "And?" she asked, "did you include Bennie?" "I did and it was hard, but it was beautiful and real and raw. Do yuo want to read it? I got an A." "Sure," she reached for it and I handed it to her, biting my nails as I watched her read it.

This was weird.

"Wow," she finished and I began to fidget. "Well, what do you think?" I asked and she wiped her eyes. "That was deep, Roxie. You know what I am so proud of your growth and I know you won't be needing me soon but I have this place I want you to try out."

"What place?" I asked and she grabbed a paper, writing an address and number. "This is a writer's club. I think I told you about them before, they're fairly new but I am sure they would love to have you. They do new readings every Wednesday. You should go, I would read this or maybe something new."

"Yeah that sounds cool," I smiled as she handed me back my paper. "Is there anything you want to ask me or talk about?" she asked, leaning back and folding her legs. "Well, I met this guy. He seems really genuine and sweet and I like him." "What's the problem?" she asked, "if there is one."

"I had my first kiss with him, I mean first romantic kiss and I freaked out. I thought about Bennie, is that normal." "Completely," she leaned forward and grabbed my hand, "he was your best friend, Roxie. You two did everything together, but eventually with enough time it won't hurt as bad. Have you been to his gravesite?" she asked and I shook my head.

"No, not since his funeral. I can't." "Well you know what, by the end of our session, I want that to be our new goal. You have learned to think of him, say his name even this is our final goal. No rush, I'm here to help you and so far you are growing."

"Thank you," I smiled and looked at the time, realizing that our session was almost over.

"So, what do I do about the guy I like?" I asked and she smiled. "I would write him a letter, you can explain yourself so much better with words on paper." "I think you're write. Do you mind if I use your pen and a piece of paper?" "Not at all."

*****************************************************************************

**FLASHBACK**

"Hi, my name is Benjamin," the cute kid spoke to me and I blushed. "Hello, I'm Roxanne." "Ew," he laughed and I felt my cheeks redden even more. "You don't have to be mean, you're just like the other kids." "No, I'm not. Your name is weird." "And Benjamin is an old name."

"Touche," he laughed and I smiled, feeling a little better. His laugh was infectious and we began to laugh harder. "You're strange, I like you." "I like you too, want to be friends?" "Of course, but please call me, Bennie. Can I give you a nickname?" "Sure, but it has to be cool." "Anything is better than Roxanne. Just kidding," he smiled and began thinking. "Got one?" I asked and he nodded. "I like Roxie." "Roxie it is."

***************************************************************************

"Hey, Darian."

He finally left his session and met me by his car.

"Oh, she lives. Why haven't you texted or called me?"

"I don't know, I'm complicated, so here." I handed him the paper I quickly scribbled and waited.

"You like my dimples?" he smiled and I blushed. "It was one of the first things I noticed about you, actually." "I like this, can I keep it?" he asked and I nodded. "Yeah, accept it as an apology for acting weird."

"Hey, we're both weird right?" "Yeah, I guess. Look, let's start over. The name's Roxie." "My name is Darian. Want to catch a movie?" "Yeah, I'd like that."

Bennie.

I'm going on another date with this guy, I really like him too. I hope he's worth all these butterflies erupting in my stomach.

I need to stay busy especially now, since a special day is approaching. Not mine, but your's.

Tomorrow is going be so fucking hard, but I don't need to think about that now, I can focus on Darian and that'll ease the pain a little.

Maybe I'll write a better letter tomorrow, you deserve something special for your eighteenth birhtday.

You were almost legal, love.