Me Without You

Chapter 7

You were a dreamer.

"Glad to see you, Roxanne," the sub smiled at me as I handed my paper. "I got your email, I'm so sorry," she apologized, "we can talk after class about any make up or extra credit opportunites, if you'd like." "Yes, I'd like that," I smiled, I turned and saw that people were walking in.

"Well we were going to be reading these aloud, but if you were uncomfortable I can make an exception." I felt my cheeks redden and sighed. "No, that wouldn't be fair." "Alright, but you can go last if you'd like."

"Thanks," I smiled at her and made my way to my seat. 

Some stories were boring and bland and I dozed off a couple of times. I kept thinking of what I wrote and felt my heart beating loudly. Could I really do this?

I didn't want to be treated differenly because you were no longer with me, Bennie I thought. Some stories were pretty interested.

One girl, named Mindy, went to Paris and I smiled at her story. She looked terrified but when she spoke about her vacation she lit up and it was beautiful.

"Roxanne," Mrs. Kathleen called my name and I looked around as everyone turned and looked at me. My mouth went dry, my legs and hands started trembling. I can't do this.

I grabbed the paper she handed me and faced my audience and cleared my voice. They seemed attentive and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Of course, they wanted to hear about Bennie. Well, at least they would be listening.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at my paper and began:

This summer I lost the passion for life and the excitement for summer vacations. As everyone knows, I lost my best friend, my brother Benjamin, and everyone knows now I am alone. Bennie, as he liked to be called, took his own life and left me; but it isn't that simple. 

This summer I lost my mind. I lost my sanity. And although summer didn't wait for me, time seemed to elude me. I lost clarity. 

This summer when my best friend decided to leave me, I lost my heart. Not just half because he consumed me. He was the only reason life was worth living and he took it. As if it were some candy stolen from a corner store, as if it were nothing. A simple act of theft.

This summer was a blur and I lost so much more than I thought I could handle. Maybe I can handle it because this summer is past tense now, just like Bennie. No more present tense verbs; no more is, but was. Was turned to were really quickly and I don't think I'm ready to fully acknowledge what my brain has automatically adjusted to.

This summer has gone and so have you, Bennie. Maybe I once thought I would be gone too, but I can't. Not just yet, anyway. Maybe I never will, maybe I'll just wallow in self pity a bit longer. 

This summer has gone and the fall has appeared and yet my heart is still gone. MY mind is still scrambled. My illusion of time is still off. My passion for life is still at all time low. My excitements for summer have turned to fear for the what if's and what' s nexts. But the blur remains. The blur has almost been here since he's been gone and I don't think it'll be leaving any time soon, so I am learning to accept it. Just as my mind has accepted you in the past, I need to accept that the blur is here to stay.

I finished and wiped my face. When did I start crying? I wasn't sure, but I didn't feel embarass. They needed to know my pain, feel it so that I wasn't the only one.

I was shocked when I heard applause.

I looked into everyone's face and felt a little justified as I stared at every teary face that I caused.

"Thank you Roxanne. Do you need to talk to someone?" I turned to the teacher. "No, I'm fine. Thank you."

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"Bennie?" I asked, lying on my bed and facing my ceiling. "Yes, Roxie?" he asked and I sighed. "How did you know you were gay? Are you sure you weren't just not attracted to me?"

"Positive. I'm sure if I was straight, I would totally find you hot." "Really?" I asked, "hmm." "Yeah, when we kissed I didn't feel anything, but you're not the only girl I kissed." "Really?" I asked, "who? I thought we were friends?" "You would never believe me, if I told you."

"Bet." "Jessica, she has the hots for me, or did at least. Why do you think she's extra vicious with you. She's mad because  I'm gay and I don't want her." 'Well that explains a lot. But how do you know you're gay? Have you kissed a guy yet?"

"Nope, but I'm attracted to many guys. Like Jessica's brother, he's fucking hot." "You find him attractive? So, you're into jocks?" "Yeah, I mean I like them fit. What about you?" "Apparantly I like them gay."

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I finished lunch and saved my tray when I ran into somene.

"Hey, it's Mindy." she smiled at me. "Hi, Mindy," I smiled back and she looked around. "That paper you wrote, I-I'm so sorry, Roxanne." "Please, Roxie." "Sorry, Roxie. I had no clue that's how you felt. It was beautiful." "Thank you, I liked your story about Paris. I hope to go one day." "Thank you, maybe we can go when we leave this horrible place."

"Yeah that would be nice. You can show me all the exciting places you went." "Yeah, also, Roxie. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here." "Thank you?' It was more of a question.

"Yeah, I don't know what I'd do if you committed suicide and I did nothing to help." "I won't kill myself if that's what you're worried about." "You're saying that now, but you can be honest. That paper was pretty dark, Roxie. You even said you considered it." "Of course, I'm depressed, but my mom needs me." "She's not the only person. We all need you, Roxie." 

"I highly doubt that, I had no friends beside Bennie." "Well you do now. I'm your friend, rather you want me or not. Look, I'm having a get together, really small with a bunch of new students that have started here. I want you to come."

"Ok?" I questioned her motive. "You have a phone?" she asked, smiling and I nodded. Handing her my cell she placed her number in it. "Call me anytime, text me and I'll text you when and where. I hope to see you."

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"Roxie, do you think I'll ever be accepted?" Bennie asked. 

It was the same night of the dinner and things had escalated just as he assumed. "I accept you." "You know that's not the same. Maybe I need to pretend again." "No, you're not. You're staying here, my mom's ok with that." "I can't stay here forever. And when the next person who isn't ok with me being gay, I'll just have to face it." "Fuck them," I rubbed his hands. "It's not that easy. I'm a gay black man in America. You know what that means?"

"That's not fair. You know I know what that means and you know I'll never experience half the shit you'll go through, but you're not alone, Bennie." "But I feel it, Roxie. I feel so fucking alone it's scary." "Don't talk like that," I covered my ears. "Roxie, I can't help it. I feel so lonely. What's the point?" "You matter, Bennie. You're my brother." "No, I'm not. I'm just your friend, eventually we'll grow apart. You'll leave here with your mother's blessing and I'll just be stuck, with no one."

"That's not fair. I'll just be going to my grand parent's for one week and I told you to come. My grandma loves you, she'll love it if you come with me." "You don't get it," he grew quiet and turned away from me.

"What do you want me to say, Bennie? Cause apparantly, I'm saying the wrong shit." "I just want you to listen to me, don't you hear me?"

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I was listening, Bennie but now I know. I was listening but I didn't hear your screaming.

Bennie you were a warrior.