One True Bond (COMPLETE)

Kajol

"He doesn't want to come in," the nurse smiles sadly as I bite down on my lip to stop myself from crying.
"Okay," I breathe putting my arm out for the nurse to check my blood pressure. I close my eyes.
'Why is this happening to me?' I ask God, 'is it because we were unfaithful? Is it because we're not supposed to be together? Please just give me a sign?!'
"Kajol!" My eyes fly open as my sister flies into the room. I smile at her as her image starts to swim before my eyes. The nurse jots something down on a clipboard as Tanishaa sits on the edge of the bed.
"Your BP is fine so you can sign to be discharged," the nurse says before leaving the room.
"What happened?" Tanishaa asks wiping the tears off my face, something which Shah Rukh should be doing, "mum called me and said Shah Rukh phoned and said something about you being taken to hospital and you not being able to go home so mum's rushed over to your place and I've rushed here but why's Shah Rukh sat outside?" All I can muster is a shrug before I put my head on Tanishaa's shoulder and begin to sob as she rubs my back.
"I can't do it, Tanishaa," I wail, "I can't do it anymore." Tanishaa holds me tightly as the whole story floods out of me. The fact I'd been trying to get pregnant so I could tell Shah Rukh and make him happy, the fact that I've had miscarriage after miscarriage, the fact that Shah Rukh probably hates me now because of the pain I've caused him telling him I'm pregnant then losing the baby!
"It's not okay then," Tanishaa whispers not bothering to sugarcoat it. I shake my head furiously.

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Three Months Later

"The film was good," I try to smile as Shah Rukh climbs into bed. He shrugs. I pull the plait out of my hair and grab my hairbrush. I sit on my side of the bed as Shah Rukh turns his back to me.
"Did you not like it?" I ask trying to make conversation as I brush my hair. Again he shrugs. I put the brush on the bedside table and put my hand on his back.
"Are you mad at me?" I ask like a child would. Shah Rukh rolls over so he's facing me and I put my hand on his chest instead.
"Why would I be mad at you?" He retorts looking at me for what feels like the first time in years.
"Why wouldn't you?" I respond sliding down the bed so I'm lying facing Shah Rukh.
"Because I love you," he smiles sadly. In his eyes I can see all the pain I've caused him over the past year. I've dumped him for cheating with Gauri even though we cheated on our partners in the first place, I've given birth to a dead child, I've tried to block out all the pain of that birth, I've accused him of cheating again, I've accused him of only being with me for the 'sex', I've tried to get pregnant without him knowing, I've miscarried again.
"Is love enough?" I ask reaching for his face and rubbing his cheek before turning over and turning off my lamp. Shah Rukh turns his lamp off but instead of turning his back on me he slides next to me and puts his arm over me.
"Love is always enough," he whispers snuggling into my neck. That's when I realise Shah Rukh would never give me up. He's a hopeless romantic and for some unknown reason he still believes I can make him happy by just being with him, me alone no children. I've always known Shah Rukh's wanted a big family, he wants to give his children the love he's missed out on for so long, but I can't give him that and he's better off being with someone who can give him that. So I resolve to leave him. I'll say goodbye to him tomorrow when he goes to his new filming location and I'll pack a bag and go visit my grandparents for a couple of months. I won't tell anyone where I've gone and by the time I return Shah Rukh will have moved on with someone better than me-I'm sure of it. That's the thought that lets me sleep, the thought of Shah Rukh being happy...

********************

I wipe my face with my hands as I stand at the door to the nursery. I haven't entered this room since I lost our son nine months ago. I place my hand on the door handle and push the door open. It looks so serene. The walls coloured a pale yellow, a white crib on one wall with a changing table opposite and a small chest of drawers next to it. A small box full of stuffed toys and jigsaws is next to the crib and the floor has the animal rug on it. I swallow hard and step into the room. I feel as though I need to make peace with this room before I leave. I stand in the middle of the room and feel calm, collected, okay that's until I spot the scan picture on top of the chest of drawers. 'Healthy and strong' that was what the doctor had called our baby. I pick it up and stare at it. The words 'healthy and strong' echo around my head until I'm certain someone is saying them aloud. I feel bitterness and rage course through my veins and tear the scan picture in half throwing it on the floor. All the calmness I felt a minute ago being wiped out by anger and frustration. I grab the side of the crib and feel my hands tear it until the wood splinters and the side comes off in my hand. I throw it at the changing table before pulling it over followed by the chest of drawers. I just want to destroy any trace of happiness from this room, make it filled with hatred just like I am. After ten minutes of uncontrolled rage the room looks like a tornado has torn through it. Wood is scattered everywhere with bits of dust and stuffing floating in the now still air. I slide down the wall tears of hatred and anger spilling down my cheeks. I let my hands fall to the floor beside me and feel something cold. I pick it up and notice it is a piece of mirror. In a moment of madness I place the sharp edge on my wrist. Shah Rukh deserves someone better than me, someone who can give him everything he desires, someone who won't break his heart. Deep down I know I'll leave and he'll come looking for me. He loves me too much for his own good. There's only one way to ensure he'll be with someone who can give him everything and that's for me to completely disappear. Maybe this piece of mirror is the sign I've been waiting for. Maybe I'm not destined to stay with Shah Rukh, not destined to become a mum, maybe I'm destined to be with God. I push down hard and drag the mirror across my wrist. I don't feel anything as the hot sticky liquid pulsing through me begins to dribble out of my wrist. I swap the mirror into my other hand and copy my actions. I close my eyes and drop the mirror feeling life draining out of me. I open my eyes and cast them around the room. I'm not destined for all this am I. I look up and sigh.
"I'm ready," I whisper to God, "I'm ready." I feel my head going woozy as a pool of red sits on top of the wooden flooring around my wrists.
"I love you Shah Rukh," I shout as my eyes close and blackness envelopes me...