Curled Hair, Blue Eyes

Chapter Thirty Three // Self-love

- Alice's POV -

After me and Sadie had finished tidying the kitchen, we headed up to her bedroom so that we could finally chat about the situation I had put myself in. I knew that kissing Sadie on a number of occasions was a bad idea but I couldn't help myself, it always felt right in the moment. Sadie continuously apologised for the mess of her bedroom as she kicked the laundry into the corner of the room, I giggled to myself before jumping onto her double bed and making myself comfortable with some pillows.

"Where are your family today?" I asked her as she sat down beside me, she thought for a minute with her head tilted before responding. 

"Dad is working as always, mum likes to visit friends on a Saturday and Noah is at Nate's house." Sadie replied with a smile on her face, I nodded.

"Who is Nate?"

"Oh, just a college friend of my brothers."

Sadie jumped up from the bed and headed over to the record player that was sitting in the corner of the room, it was covered in rainbow coloured fairy lights that flickered every so often. She sat down on the floor and took her time choosing an album to put on, I watched her with a smile on my face. She finally picked out one which looked like an eighties chart album, she set the record down carefully and watched it spin around for a second before joining me back on the bed. 

"Everything is better with music, don't you agree?" She asked me with a smile on her face, I nodded and smiled back. We avoided carrying on the conversation for a while, the eighties music was the only thing we could hear.

"Alice, I want to help you" Sadie blurted out as she turned to me, I glanced at her in confusion and she took a deep breath in.

"You can't let these boys use you anymore, you are more than what they crave" She said while angrily staring at the floor, I watched her expressions change from frustration to worry. I nodded and grinned slightly at her, I wasn't aware of my actions because I was so intrigued by Sadie.

"So! I'm going to be your self-love guide! I mean, I can hate myself some days but I've learnt how to respect and love my body and appearance. I can teach you too" Sadie explained while excitedly clapping, my face lit up at her idea and I accepted her help. I doubt it would work because of how messed up I truly am, but it can't hurt to try right? And this means I will get to spend more time with Sadie. 

"And maybe in time we can find you a boy, one that you can focus on without any distractions" She added while nudging my side and winking, my smile faded as I glanced in the opposite direction to avoid Sadie questioning my disappointment. She got up from where she was sitting once again before approaching the mirror which sat next to her record player, she stared at her reflection for a minute before smiling.

"Shall I go first?" Sadie asked while glancing back at me, I stared at her weirdly.

"What are you going to do?" 

Sadie ignored my question before turning back to the mirror and focusing on her reflection, she tilted her head to one side and sighed deeply. 

"My hair is very messy today but I like it, it somehow looks good that way. My eyes are baggy from lack of sleep but I've always adored the colour of my eyes, so I'll ignore the negatives-" Sadie began to rhyme off the many things she likes about her appearance and the way she looked today, I smiled while listening to her. There were things she said that I had never noticed before. When she finished I clapped and cheered loudly. Sadie turned to me before curtsying and sitting down on the bed again.

"Now it's your turn!" She shouted while pointing to the mirror, I sighed and stood up. The truth was that I know I am attractive, if boys are obsessed with me doesn't that mean I must be appealing? I stood in silence while staring at myself. 

"Go on Alice.." Sadie whispered, I sighed.

"Um, I like my curled hair.. I suit it?" I started while glancing back at Sadie to check that I was doing it right. 

"I guess my eyes are nice, I prefer darker coloured eyes though. I like the way I do my makeup, it's always simple but it makes me look good.. Can I stop now Sadie? This is stupid" I huffed before sitting down again, Sadie frowned and nervously played with her thumbs. I turned to her and tapped her on the shoulder, she glanced at me.

"I'm sorry okay? I look disgusting today because I've had no sleep, even looking in the mirror makes me want to vomit" I told her truthfully while rolling my eyes and angrily glaring at my reflection in the mirror. 

"There is no point in me talking about myself, I know I look good most of the time because guys stare at me. What's the next task in the self-love guide?" I asked her with a fake smile. She stared at me and I could tell she was annoyed.

"The only reason you know you are beautiful is because of the boys who want to have sex with you. Without them you'd hate yourself, isn't this true?" Sadie blurted out, I widened my eyes in shock at what she said. At first I was angry at her assuming things but then I realised she was right, she knew more about me than I did. 

"How do you know that?" I asked her quietly, she shrugged her shoulders at my question.

"If my parents didn't leave then I'd probably respect myself more. If your own mum and dad didn't care about you, if they didn't even want you around would you care about yourself? Would you think that you were worth something?" I ranted to Sadie as she stared at me in fear, her eyes were slowly beginning to become glazed and I was instantly in a low mood because my head was once again filled with unanswered questions for my parents.

"I'm sorry Alice" Sadie whispered as she composed herself, she turned away from me and wiped her face quickly. 

"If you don't mind me asking.. Why did they leave you?" She asked a minute later, I took a deep breath in and glanced in the mirror at myself once again.

"I have no idea. Maybe I was hard to handle or they didn't want to have a child anymore. My grandmother looked after me when I was little anyway, my parents would go to parties and clubs and leave me with her for three days at a time. One day they asked her to look after me for a week because they were 'going for a road trip' and when they left they never came back. I questioned my grandmother for years wondering if they had gotten into trouble or somebody was hurt, maybe they were unable to return? This could all be a mistake"

"Alice, it's been well over ten years. Do you still think they're going to come back?" Sadie asked me after I explained things to her.

"I know they never will, but I can't help but wonder what was going through their heads when they planned to abandon their two year old daughter and my grandmother" I told her while squinting my eyes, Sadie nodded as if she understood but she had no idea. She lives in a big house with loving parents and a sibling, what more could anybody ask for?

Sadie shuffled closer to me on the bed, she grabbed both of my hands and held them tightly in hers. I glanced down at our hands in confusion before we locked eyes. 

"Like I said before, I'm going to help you love yourself. You won't need to continuously torture yourself over the reasons your parents left you anymore. The truth is, they didn't deserve you at all" Sadie said quietly, I watched her lips move as she spoke in the calmest tone. I smiled widely and tightened my grip on her hands.

"Thank you Sadie"