"Hello Phil." Dr. Navis said politely a few days later. I looked up out of my curtain of hair I had draped on my face. Dr. Navis was a very pretty lady, she had very short blond hair. It was shorter than mine at the time. She was very nice, and wasn't pushy. I like her as a person, but not as a therapist.
She always knew what was going inside of my head and she wouldn't take 'fine' as an answer to how I was doing. Because she knew it was a lie.
"Hi." I grunted. I wasn't in a great mood. It was very grey outside, and I missed Cece. I was thinking about Dan too much; if he liked me or was just a flirt. It was driving me insane. But I was wearing his jacket that day.
"How are you?" She asked as I sat down on a sofa in the room. I glared at her. I wanted to say 'I'm fine.'
"Grumpy." I replied shortly. It was true, I was grumpy. I didn't know what was bothering the most, it was just everything.
"And why are you grumpy?" Her mellow voice inquired from her desk across the room. I sighed. I didn't want to talk about it.
"Because I'm grumpy. That's why." I answered very teenager-like. She didn't speak, she just stared at me and sighed.
"The weather. My best friend is in Manchester. I'm supposed to be in Manchester but I'm here, talking to you." I listed in a monotone. I left out the part with Dan. She knew about Dan. She knew about everything, and I didn't know how.
"Well I'm sorry, but I don't think that's the real reason you're... grumpy." She said in a completely level-headed tone of voice. How did she do that?
"Guy problems." I grumbled. Dr. Navis just nodded. She wanted me to explain.
"He's being very flirty." I blushed. It was awful to talk to an adult woman about the guy I had a crush on. It was so embarrassing.
"Huh.. Doesn't he have a boyfriend?" She asked. It had been a little more than a month since I had seen her. About a week before they broke up.
"No, they broke up a month ago." I shortly said. I still needed to warm up to her, I didn't trust her fully yet.
"Oh, I see. Did you bring your journal today?" She changed the subject. It was nice to be off that subject. I nodded and took out the red notebook she had given me the first time we met. She told me that I should write in it every day. I did it most days, except days I was up too late.
I handed it to her, and she flipped through it. Her face didn't show any emotion, even though there was some personal stuff in there. I wrote lots of sad stuff in there. Whenever I felt bad, I would write. Which was a lot.
"What's wrong with me?" I asked for the 4th time. She closed the book and looked at me.
"Nothing's wrong with you, Phil." She said for the 4th time. I exhaled, frustrated.
"No." I disagreed angrily.
"No?" She questioned, handing me the notebook. I took it and threw it on the floor beside me.
"There is something wrong with me, and I would like to damn well know what it is." I said harshly. She didn't look surprised at all, which made me even angrier.
"Phil, please. Calm down." She noticed me clenching my fists. I didn't realize I was doing it, but I didn't let go, I was too infuriated.
"No! Tell me what the hell is wrong with me!" I screamed. I could feel my face heat up. I was overreacting. But I couldn't stop. I needed to know, and I needed to know right then.
"I will tell you when you sit down." Dr. Navis replied firmly. I breathed slowly and say down on the couch reluctantly.
"Phil, it seems you have a pretty serious case of depression. It's may be something you'll live with forever, but it is manageable."
My face fell. My fists unclenched. My heart slowed down. Depression?
Of course. Depression. What else?
"Oh." I whispered. "Depression."
"Phil, I told you. Nothing is wrong with you. It's just an obstacle in life you'll have to deal with." She said quietly. I didn't believe her. It was the worst thing ever. A serious case of depression.
But I was going to have to deal with it.
(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)
"How was it, honey?" Mum smiled when I stepped out of Dr. Navis's office, clutching my notebook.
"Fine."
(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)(--)
I immediately went to the woods when I got home. I couldn't face my smiling mum and dad. Martin knew something was up, and I didn't want to talk about it.
The woods were a good fifteen minutes away, so I was glad that it hasn't snowed yet that year. It was just cold, but I had Dan's jacket on.
I ended up sort of running to the safe haven that was the woods and lake. I passed Dan's house and didn't even think about going. Tears were welling in my eyes and some were spilling over onto the sidewalk. There were no kids playing today, no chatty parents. Just me.
I made it to the woods, crying profusely. No one was there- thankfully. The only people who every really came here were Dan and I. And Dan wasn't here.
I didn't have anything left to do except for cry. There was nothing I could do. I was empty and confused.
"Phil? Are you okay?" Dan's voice sounded from behind a tree. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to, but I couldn't. It was impossible.
"Phil?" He asked again. He walked over to the log I was sitting on. He sat next to me.
"No!" I cried. "I'm not okay!"
"What's wrong?" His voice turned mellow and sweet. I hadn't heard it like that before. I had heard his voice in all the ways. Happy, annoyed, flirtatious, crying, sympathetic, sarcastic, sleepy.
"I've been going to a therapist, and I just found out that I have severe depression, and I don't know what to do anymore and-" I started looking up at him. I was cut off when he kissed me. I stopped talking immediately and kissed back. It had finally happened, but in the most unexpected time. And I loved it.
After he pulled away for air, we sat there for a second. I was happier, but tears were still streaming down my face.
"I'm sorry, Phil." He ducked his head embarrassedly. I shook my head.
"I've had a crush on you forever." Dan explained. "I thought you were cute when I first saw you, and then I got to know you. We both like the same bands, same kind of shows. I started to notice little things about you. The way you adjust your glasses when you're nervous or lying. The way you blush so easily. The way you play video games. Your love for science. Your sense of humor. Your obsession with Buffy. The way you laugh. The cute way your nose crinkles. The way your eyes narrow when you're confused. The way you push me away when you're embarrassed. Your appreciation for old music. Your favorite soda. Your lion obsession. The way you always wear a sweatshirt to cover up your body, which you shouldn't, because you're perfect."
"Dan," I choked, tears falling down my face. "I'm not perfect. But you just made me feel perfect."
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