In 2 weeks, things had gotten better and worse in different ways. It was almost June, we were about to graduate, and our uni letters had yet to come. Dan was progressing slightly on eating, but it was hard for both of us. My anxiety was getting worse, but I wasn't going to let anyone know that. I hadn't seen Dr. Navis, so I didn't have anyone I could talk to really. I sure as hell wasn't going to talk to my parents, and Dan was going through enough. Even Cece was busy auditioning for things.
One day, I was sitting with Dan at his dinner table as he slowly ate an apple. He whined about it, saying how 'he didn't need anything more, he'd already had something to eat that day'. I was being pretty patient, seeing that I'd babysitted some of my cousin's kids when I was living in Manchester. Not that Dan was a little kid, he was just acting like one.
"Can I stop now?" Dan whined again. My patience was on it's last straw, and I was about to leave. Or throw something. At Dan.
"No." I said shortly. He groaned and took another bite. Then he threw it back on the table and crossed his arms.
"I'm done." He said like a five year old. I slammed my hands down on the table, scaring him.
"Eat. The. Damn. Apple." I muttered through gritted teeth. He wasn't having it, though.
"Why?"
"Because I need you to get better. " I told him for the 10th time. "You need you to get better."
"I'm fine." He grumbled, pushing the apple around with his hand.
"You're not fucking fine, okay? Starving yourself is not fine!" I yelled at him. I told you, I didn't curse that much, so this was a huge deal. It showed how mad I was, which surprised him.
"I'm not starving myself!" He yelled back after getting over the shock.
"You know what, I'm done. Figure this out yourself." I got up from the table and put on my backpack angrily.
"No, come on, don't leave." Dan begged, realizing I was really, really angry.
"Bye Dan." I stomped out of the room. As I closed the door to his house, I heard a chair slam on the floor. As I walked away from the house, I heard him scream.
"God dammit!" Dan screamed as I sped up my pace, tears dripping down my face.
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I got home, sobbing silently with my bag hung over my shoulder. I ran up the stairs by myself. I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I wasn't that pathetic.
The door was slammed in anger. I couldn't help him, no matter how much I wanted to- how much I tried. I screamed into a pillow.
I was so mad at myself, at Dan, at his eating disorder. It all happened so quickly.
And I didn't even notice.
After locking my door, I sat down at my desk and got on my computer.
Google Search: eating disorders
Google Search: anorexia
Google Search: in the mind of eating disorders
Google Search: how to help someone with an eating disorder
I read all night. I read at least 15 many paged articles about eating disorders that Dan might have. I looked up lots and lots of things, which was a mistake. I stayed up until 2 in the morning, just reading.
I needed him to get better.
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