tmi » larry

xix. panic attack #1

**The following content might be triggering to some viewers.**

{ Gabrielle Aplin - Mountains }

          I scrunched my face in disgust. I spit out the crumbs and heard as the room erupted in laughter. I felt my cheeks start to heat up.

"Aww." said Harry, and I glanced up at him. The stupid smirk painted on his flawless face. I stopped smiling and just admired him. His emerald eyes. His hollowed dimples. His fit body. I found myself chewing on my bottom lip. "Louuuu." I felt Harry's hot breathe by my ear, and I felt as my jeans soon became tight.

"Wh-what?" I said, gripping onto the table. I felt his breathe go down my back.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" he whispered, his arms hugging me from behind. His chest bumped into my back. I swallowed.

"N-no, but I know that you are." I commented, and he laughed. His kissed my cheek, and down my neck. My breathe hitched as he did.

"Oh, I'm enjoying just a bit to much." he whispered against my shoulder. I glanced around the room, hoping no one was paying attention to us.

I felt Harry press a single kiss to my temple before he pulled away. I turned around, feeling at loss. My eyes frantically searched for him, and I felt my chest tightened.

"H-Harry?" I stuttered-slash-whispered. I felt my breathe pick up its pace. I clutched onto my stomach, and felt tears start to form.

"Louis!" cried out Niall, but he wasn't Harry. I felt my bottom lip quiver. I closed my eyes and felt as Niall helped me to a chair. "Someone get Harry!"

I opened my eyes and watched as if I was watching from above. I could see myself rocking back-and-forth on the chair. I could see Niall trying to talk to me, as Liam ran around the house searching for Harry.

It felt like I wasn't there. Most certainly a out-of-body experience. This feeling was new, though. But I liked the feeling. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel disgusted, or sad. I felt numb...

"Louis, Louis baby come back." said Harry, and felt as he shook me. I gasped loudly and met his eyes. His hands cupped my face. "B-baby you okay?"

I nodded. "Y-yeah, I'm okay." I said, and gripped Harry's jacket. He kissed my forehead and asked everyone to leave. I watched as his band mates, one by one, came by to see if I was ok. I smiled at them, and soon heard as the door closed.

"That was quite a party, huh? There's nothing like a Styles party like having five people try 27 different dipping sauces." he said, squatting down to my length. He smiled at me sympathetically.

"I'm okay." I whispered and he nodded.

"I know that, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about you." he said, kissing my forehead for the hundredth time that day. "How bout you go shower while I make us some tea and put on a movie. Mm?" I nodded, and he helped me up.

We walked towards his bathroom. As he opened the door I couldn't help but be taken aback. His bathroom was huge. There was a tub and a separate shower. The mirror, which I avoided, was huge. The sink counter was marble.

"I like to have a nice place to wee, okay?" he teased, and I smiled. He showed me how to turn on the shower, and left.

I slowly stripped out of my clothes. I didn't know why I felt so empty. After an attack, I always felt like this. But this time it was worse. I closed my eyes and walked barefoot towards the mirror.

I opened my eyes and gasped. My arms were all scratched up. My waist line. Bruises on on my arms. I closed my eyes and turned away.

I was a walking self-inflicted piece of shit.

I stepped into the shower and felt my lip start to quiver. Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I just be born ok? Why did my mum have to hate me? Why couldn't I just be happy?

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